Badges?-A!we don’t need no stinking badges! Because we’re no stinking boyscouts. But if we were, these might be some of the merit badges we could strive for:
ALIEN MERIT BADGE
- Abduct human captive and probe them. Successfully drop them back off at their trailer park.
- Eat 5,000 Reeses Pieces TM.
- Fly Really fast, hover for a second, and then fly really fast again.
ALL-AMERICAN-KID BADGE - Score poorly on International Math Exam.
- Watch TV more than 6 hours a day.
- Become obese.
- Know all the secrets to Super Mario Brothers 3
- Inform on homosexual Troop Leader.
FRENCH MERIT BADGE - Be rude to foreigners.
- Consume cheese.
- Abstain from bathing for a week.
- Get beat-up by scout with the German Merit Badge.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN MERIT BADGE - Alienate 250 million white people.
PRACTICAL KNOT MERIT BADGE - Tie your shoes.
- Tie rubber tubing around your arm.
- Tie dye your underwear.
- Tie up your significant other.
EBOLA VIRUS - Bleed out of your anus until you die.
DEALER MERIT BADGE - Sell at least 1 ounce in any three of the following locations:
- Telegraph Ave.
- Soda Hall
- The White House
- At a family reunion
-
Beat the prices of Berkeley High competitors.
- Sell enough to support your own habit.
FERRET MERIT BADGE - For ferrets only
INTERNET MERIT BADGE - Successfully track down 5 items of child pornography on the World Wide Web.
- Bookmark SQUELCHED! website for daily visitation.
