Latest Issue
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 7- Issue 5

Top Twelve Reasons to Pull the Fire Alarm

March 1, 1998
  1. There’s a fire
  2. You want to beat off.
  3. Your pants are on fire.
  4. To pet the Dalmatian.
  5. Mynocks
  6. lt doesn’t matter, as long as you did it By Any Means Necessary.
  7. Because it’s your God given right. What are you? A commie?
  8. Ignarting gone too far.
  9. To see if it works.
  10. You’re losing at Warcraft 2.
  11. To get him off of you.
  12. To water your plants.
Volume 7- Issue 5

Top Ten Jobs For English Majors

March 1, 1998
  1. Flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong
  2. Waiting for Godot
  3. A Street Punk Named Desire
  4. Venetian Merchant
  5. Security Monitor
  6. Karamazov brother
  7. The Last Mohican
  8. Dead Salesman
  9. Men
  10. Mice
  11. Translating at the English Embassy
  12. Au Pair
  13. Uh, grad school?
Volume 7- Issue 5

Top Fourteen New Oscar Categories

March 1, 1998
  1. Biggest Bomb with SNL Cast Member
  2. Best Prosthetic Penis
  3. Kevin Bacon Lifetime Achievement Award
  4. Biggest Kevin Costner Failure
  5. Best Samuel L. Bronkowitz Production
  6. Most Predictable Ending
  7. Best Disney Perversion of a Classic Fairy Tale or Historical Event
  8. Best of the Best
  9. Best Bitch Slap
  10. Best Dead Rapper
  11. Best iality
  12. Best Casting Couch Performance
  13. Best Boy
  14. Best Bloated Epic
Volume 7- Issue 5

Top Fifteen Jeopardy Questions

March 1, 1998
  1. I’m leaving you Alex.
  2. Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
  3. Where is the keg, bra?
  4. What is the frequency Kenneth?
  5. Where is the beef?
  6. Who is scruffy looking?
  7. Whaddup?
  8. What does this button do?
  9. What’s love got to do with it?
  10. Who is your daddy, Alex?
  11. What is your phone number?
  12. What is ironic?
  13. Where have all the cowboys gone?
  14. Where is Carmen San Diego?
  15. Who is the Who?