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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 11- Issue 5

Top Ten Things to Say While Leading a Campus Tour

March 1, 2002
  1. “This is where the Squelch writes top ten lists . . . Hey, what are you doing with that notepad? He’s writing down everything we say!” Self-reference is stupid.
  2. “I cut this glory hole myself.”
  3. “There goes my ex-girlfriend–On three, yell ‘Watch yo’se’f you skanky ho!'”
  4. “Anyone have a map I can look at?”
  5. “For those of you with wooden legs, this is where you get sprayed for sudden oak death.”
  6. “This is the top of the Campanile . . . [2.5 seconds later:] This is the bottom.”
  7. “Now, we’ll be going to my 3:00 class . . .”
  8. “I hid the dead bodies from the last tour group here.”
  9. “Each stop on the tour is a place I got robbed.”
  10. “And this switch shuts off the power to the entire campus.”
Volume 11- Issue 5

Top Ten Jeopardy Categories

March 1, 2002

  1. Potent Potables

  2. Biblical Harlots

  3. Rhetorical Questions
  4. Cross-Dressers I’ve Been Fooled By
  5. Famous First People to Step on Moon
  6. Ends With Y
  7. Famous Old Dead Cocksuckers
  8. Pederasty
  9. Yes/No Answers
  10. My Clothes Off (As in, “I’ll take My Clothes Off for eight hundred, Alex.”)
Volume 11- Issue 5

Top Ten Times to Look Down a Girl’s Shirt

March 1, 2002

  1. When you can’t look at her cootch

  2. In Astro lab with your big ol’ telescope!! Aw yeah.

  3. At church when she bows for communion
  4. When your boyfriend isn’t looking
  5. When you’re just friends and she’s just hot
  6. Any time
  7. When you’re a really hot girl and you’re having a near death experience and you’re hovering over your own body
  8. At her funeral
  9. When you’re supposed to be listening to her talk
  10. When she’s hunched over because she’s on crutches
Volume 11- Issue 5

Top Ten Reasons to Raise the Fence Around Berkeley High

March 1, 2002

  1. Because you already raised the roof

  2. Prevent Tom Holmoe from ruining their football team, too

  3. Less schools, less prisons, more prison-schools
  4. Make it even harder to leave Berkeley High
  5. Kids are getting taller
  6. Misinterpreted “raising the bar”
  7. See if students will test each part of fence, like raptors
  8. Make sure only fence hole sized students can get in and out
  9. Cheaper than lowering entire campus 2 ft.
  10. For the same reason you’re running the electric current through it
Volume 11- Issue 5

Top Ten Reasons the Sex We Just Had Was Dirty

March 1, 2002

  1. I wanted to go in, but the placenta wanted to come out

  2. Because my mother told me so

  3. Two people, five hands
  4. So much dirt was involved
  5. First condom breaking, fine; fifth condom breaking, weird
  6. Because you’re not going to confession afterwards
  7. You wanted workplace fantasy and I’m a garbage man
  8. Donkeys never bathe
  9. I’m an incontinent necrophiliac
  10. You don’t think the sex cleans itself, do you?