- The Terrified Croatian
- Disco
- The Uncontrolled Bladder
- The Grand Jury Jive
- The Sorority Girl Split
- Rhombus Dancing
- Hide the Stain
- The Dislocated Shoulder
- The Gettysburgh
- Walk with an Erection
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten ASUC-Inspired Stage Productions
- Corruptus Cristi
- Who’s Afraid of Molly Hooper?
- Twelfth Night of Yelling at Each Other and Accomplishing Nothing
- Gross Inactivity
- Rats
- How I Failed at Everything Without Really Trying
- Death of a Spitfire
- Jesus Christ, Megalomaniac
- Irami on the Roof
- Waiting
Top Ten “Saved by the Bell” Spin-Offs
- Lisa Sucks. I Hate Lisa. Let’s Kill Lisa.
- Zach Morris Sucks My Ass
- Kelly Kapowski Bangs the Entire Cast of 90210
- Slater, Texas Ranger
- The Elizabeth Berkeley Full-Frontal Nudity Half Hour
- Saved by Yoshua
- Saved by “Ctrl+S”
- Worthless, Mind-Rotting Crap
A Few Words from the Top
Gather round, it’s complaining time. Something is always wrong on this campus, and few are too shy to keep their mouths shut. From campaigning to kick people off campus, to inquiring how the “Infamous 800” are doing one year later, … Read More
Ride, Pete, Ride
Oral presentation day was just 24 hours away, and little 4th grader Gina was a nervous wreck. As much as she liked researching the Pete Rose gambling scandal (researching in this case meant frequenting the local taverns to put money … Read More
Goodbye To Uncle Joe
_The wicked crawl from the wrong side of the cradle; their first words out of the womb are lies. Poison, lethal rattlesnake poison, drips from their forked tongues- Deaf to threats, deaf to charm, decades of wax built up in … Read More
Radar Can Suck My Dick
The theme song from the movie M.A.S.H. is called “Suicide Is Painless.” I don’t know if suicide is actually painless, but I know that graduating is not. Graduation is nine months away for me and I’m already getting nauseous just … Read More
Star Trek Based Masturbation Plagues EECS
EECS Department heads have released statistics exposing a sharp rise in incidents of Star Trek based masturbation among EECS students. Although cases involving Captain Janeway have dropped 15%, cases involving Seven-of-Nine, Lt. Dax and Jean Luc Picard have risen 18%, … Read More
The Devolution of Michael Dukakis
On October 4th 1843, on a foggy morning on New York’s Ellis Island, a family of poor Greek immigrants stepped off a Korean sardine vessel in search of the American Dream. Taking with them what meager possessions they had brought … Read More
Top Ten Causes the ASUC Will Donate $1,000 to Instead of Yolanda Manuel
-
Russia
-
The Preston Taylor Penis Enlargement Fund
- 1/25 of the $25,000 Pyramid
- Jews for Muhammad
- Dinner for two at Chez Panisse
- Your mom 500 times
- Campus Crusade for the Antichrist
- Window tinting
- Space Toilet development
- NAMBLA
