- The Jungle Gook
- Gooks and Ladders
- The Gooks of Hazzard
Author Archives: The Squelch
Top Ten Breakfast Cereal Killers
- Cocoa Puff Daddy
- Vons Value Brand Night Stalker Cereal
- Honey Tomb
- Apple Jack the Ripper
- Jeffrey Dahmer’s Frosted Flakes of Human Skin
- Grape Psychos
- Cunanan Toast Crunch
- Rice Kaczinskys
- Honey Bundys of Oats
- Cheeri-OJs
Top Ten Catholic April Fool’s Pranks
- Teach evolution in Kansas
- Replace communal wine with Franzia “Party-in-a-Box”
- Last rites read in comical Yiddish accent
- Non-transsubstantiating wafers
- Recommend the rhythm method as a viable birth control option
- A dildo in your ass instead of the priest’s cock
- Apology
Top Ten Least Popular Campus Group Events
- Vegans on Ice
- Break the Cycle’s Bicycle Repair Workshop
- twLFSmackdown!
- American Culture Night of Watching TV and Eating Salty Food
- Unitary transformation
- 300 Ear-splitting Minutes with the Golden Overtones
- Muslim Student Union’s Age-Old Simmering Border Conflict with Hillel
- Cal-PIRG 48
Top Ten Worst Phrases To End With “Motherfucker”
- I can’t believe you had sex with my mother!
- Uno!
- Why is it so hard to think of a name for Jack’s bistro?
- It’s a boy!
- To add or drop a class, press “2”.
- Just come in off the ledge.
Top Ten Uses For A Vacuum
- Spay dog (you can suck the uterus right out of there)
- Turn innie into outie (for a brief period of time)
- In-home angioplasties
- Climb up side of building (requires two vacuums)
- Save money on shampoo
- Give self hickey; watch popularity
Top Ten Ways For the ASUC to Improve Its Image
- Cyborgs!
- Return the Lindbergh baby
- Airlift supplies to Berlin
- More school dances that remind us of our awkward teenage years
- Take down the Confederate flag from atop Eshleman Hall
- Give students excursion passes to the Land of Chocolate
- Send a
Top Ten Least Successful ASUC Parties
- Berkeley Engineers, Conductors and Brakemen
- Defenders of the Silver Standard
- Safeway Club
- Whigs
- A bunch of guys named Roger
- National Socialist
- HARDBOILED!
- Bull Moose
- The Bring Dave Coulier To Campus Party
- BYOB
Top Ten Worst Ways To End Your Senior Thesis
- “…until the handle breaks off, and you have to go to the doctor to pull it out again!”
- “Donkey donkey donkey donkey donkey.”
- “Or not.”
- “This thesis will self-destruct in five seconds.
- “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Reach Out and Jerk Me Off
Welcome to Cell Phone Users Anonymous. My name’s Patrick, and I bought a cell phone.
Like others here, I told myself that it would never happen to me. Cell phones are for SUV-driving, iMac-using, pretentious yuppie fucks, and I’d sooner … Read More
