Greetings! If you’re reading this then you’re a womyn or man who is choice of living a cruelty free lifestyle. Though some may be critical of harmonious existence, there are many excellent reasons to become a vegan:
- Because you object to the cruel treatment of animals
- To achieve a slightly healthier diet at great personal expense
- To impress the other lesbians
- Because you hate being happy
- Because your religion precludes you from being happy
Convinced? Of course you are! Welcome to our family. The first and most important thing to do is to congratulate yourself over and over again. The second step is to actually walk the walk. Here’s a helpful list of superior vegan alternatives to murder-based, err, I mean, meat and dairy based foods to help start you off.
Normal Food
Vegan Alternative
Apple with Cheese on it
Apple
Spaghetti with Meatballs
Spaghetti with Inflated Sense of Moral Superiority
Furkey
Tofurkey
Turkey TV Dinner
Oral sex after a poetry slam
Pork á la Beef
Luna bar with a sad face drawn on it
Succulent Cabernet-Braised Short Ribs
Fuck You
Foot-long Hot Dog
Parliament Lights
Bac-O’s
Cheerios
Western Bacon Cheeseburger
Frowning all the time
