Watching a TV Show
You: [Sits down.]
TV: [Plays theme song.]
[Beat.]
TV: [Credits roll.]
Going to the Movies
You: How did you like the movie?
Girl: [Bursts into tears.]
Studying
[Cindy’s parents bust in.]
Dad: What are you doing with my daughter?!
You: It’s not what it looks like!
Dad: You are grounded, young lady!
Cindy: Dad, I’m a grown woman, and I have a calculus test! All the kids are studying for it!
Mom: [Clutching chest.] Oh Henry, there’s pencil shavings everywhere!
You: [Zipping up binder.] I should go.
Renting an Apartment
You: So you’ve never rented out this apartment before?
Landlord: Nope. You’re the first.
You: You’re sure you’ve never rented before? There’s an awful lot of space in here.
Landlord: What are you trying to say?
You: Uh, nothing! The place is great! I love the place!
Landlord: Oh, good. I’m really glad.
You: Are those blood stains on the carpet?
Landlord: To tell you the truth, this place has been broken into a few times.
Playing Softball
Pitcher: Glad you could make it. I thought no one would ever answer that Craig’s List ad. We were gonna have to play a man down.
You: To tell you the truth, I’m a little scared. I’ve never played for this team before.
Pitcher: Don’t worry, you’ll make a great catcher.
You: But my glove’s brand new. It’s pretty tight.
Pitcher: Sergio, bring the oil!
You: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…
Pitcher: I’m gonna go light some candles.
Buying Groceries
Cashier: That’ll be $37.50.
You: [Bursts into tears.]
Ordering Indian Food
You: I’d like the chicken tikka masala. Extra spicy.
Waiter: Are you sure, ma’am?
You: Totally.
Waiter: It might be too spicy for you.
You: No, I’m–I’m ready.
[Food comes.]
You: AHHHHH! OH GOD! IT’S LIKE I’M BEING SPLIT OPEN!
Waiter: You’re doing great!
You: THERE’S SO MUCH BLOOD!
Waiter: I love you.
