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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 1- Issue 1

Rick Starr’s Top Five Gigs

March 1, 1991
  1. Sang “God Bless America” at Bush’s inauguration
  2. Headline act at Disoriented Street People Talent Show
  3. Opened for Pink Floyd at Berlin Wall
  4. Breakfast Lounge at Sunshine Insane Asylum
  5. Sang national anthem at 1990 World Series
Volume 1- Issue 1

Top Ten Things Overheard in Faculty Club Lounge

March 1, 1991
  1. “What do you mean I can’t cancel class just because the A’s lost?”
  2. “I’ll assign your book to my class if you give me that jelly donut”
  3. “I don’t give A’s because that just encourages them to stay.
  4. “Who finished the damn keg?”
  5. “…and of course I made sure there were no copies in the bookstore before I assigned it”
  6. “Party at Tien’s!!”
  7. “So, what’s this ‘curve’ thing?”
  8. “I’ve been feeling much better ever since I failed everybody on the midterm”
  9. “Don’t let me get too drunk. I have office hours in twenty minutes”
  10. “I need about two more slaves- whoops, T.A.s- for my class”
Volume 1- Issue 1

Top Five Reasons to Consider Dropping Out of School

March 1, 1991
  1. You need a dictionary to comprehend the word “graduation”
  2. You spend most of class time talking on cellular phone
  3. You forget exactly which multiple of four years college is supposed to be
  4. Beer and/or marijuana are staples of diet
  5. Semester is half over before you notice you don’t have any classes
Volume 1- Issue 1

Top Ten Beginning Philosophy Questions

March 1, 1991
  1. Shouldn’t we close physical reality for Martin Luther King, Jrs. birthday?
  2. Is reincarnated paper more expensive than recycled?
  3. What are the chances of finding the true meaning of life in a fortune cookie?
  4. Does physical reality have call waiting?
  5. Does B.A.R.T. go to Nirvana?
  6. How much does “Wheel of Fortune” control human destiny?
  7. Do they card in the afterlife?
  8. Does God wear Mickey Mouse ears?
  9. Does the universe come in other flavors?
  10. Is the human soul tax deductible?
Volume 1- Issue 1

Top Ten Reasons to Submit to The Heuristic Squelch

March 1, 1991
  1. Wild Sex
  2. We might reveal mystic secrets about our name
  3. Nothing illegal involved (except with printing, marketing, and distribution)
  4. Provides necessary qualifications for vice-presidency
  5. Editors won’t kill you for missed deadlines (bylaws limit them to maiming)
  6. We know a cheap lawyer for libel suits
  7. Comedy more effective form of communication than rioting
  8. While other are laughing at your jokes you can steal their wallets
  9. Doesn’t entail significant mutilation of limbs
  10. Sends powerful messages to both houses of congress