Latest Issue
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 5- Issue 4

Top Ten Books in the Bible You’ve Never Heard of

February 1, 1995
  1. Shaft Goes to the Holyland
  2. That Bitch Better Have My Money
  3. Proud Parent of a Gay Son
  4. The books of Matthew, Mark, Olivia Newton John
  5. Mighty Morphin Power Apostles
  6. Jesus’s years as a Grateful Dead roadie by St. Albert Goldman
  7. Jesus Christ: Diary of a Life Interrupted
  8. Where’s Waldo?
  9. Gospel according to Fabio.
  10. Jesus of Nazareth and the three black guys.
Volume 5- Issue 4

Top Ten Alternative Names for Valentine’s Day

February 1, 1995
  1. Vaseline’s Day
  2. Love – is – temporary – but – STDs – are – forever Day
  3. Relent – to – his – request – for – anal – sex Day
  4. There’s – good – reasons – why – you’re – bitter Day
  5. I’ve – been – waiting – a – long – time – for – this Day
  6. Gunther
  7. Smug – assholes – in – relationships Day
  8. Channukah
  9. Dream – on – you – pathetic – fuck Day
  10. It’ll – never – last Day
Volume 5- Issue 4

Top Ten Things to Do After Giving Head

February 1, 1995
  1. Swallow.
  2. Look in the mirror and say, “Gee, I’m a glazed donut!”.
  3. Introduce yourself.
  4. Exit restroom, return to class.
  5. Tell the officer that it will never happen again.
  6. Make sure not to leave until letter of recommendation is signed.
  7. Return to gimp cage.
  8. Massage into scalp & work into lather. Rinse. Repeat if necessary.
  9. Bite.
  10. Finish your confession.
Volume 5- Issue 4

Top Ten Rejected Names For Upcoming Green Day Album

February 1, 1995
  1. Sgt. Billie Joe’s Half-Hearted Futile Sophomore Effort
  2. Needles Ripped My Flesh
  3. We’re Rich Now But We Still Dress Like Shit.
  4. Subverting the Dominant Paradigm – Live!
  5. Exile On Heroin Addiction Street
  6. Music To Pierce By
  7. Our Hair Looks Funny
  8. Life Sucks
  9. We Suck
  10. You suck
Volume 5- Issue 4

Top Ten Failed Business Ventures

February 1, 1995
  1. The Heuristic Squelch
  2. Kipp’s Microbrewery
  3. Daily Cal
  4. Newman’s Own Colostomy Bag
  5. East Germany
  6. Major League Baseball
  7. Jason Kidd Condoms
  8. Grateful Dead Soap Co.
  9. Berkeley Free Clinic
  10. Tel Aviv Top Dog