Latest Issue
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 9- Issue 4

Top Ten Catholic April Fool’s Pranks

April 1, 2000
  1. Teach evolution in Kansas
  2. Replace communal wine with Franzia “Party-in-a-Box”
  3. Last rites read in comical Yiddish accent
  4. Non-transsubstantiating wafers
  5. Recommend the rhythm method as a viable birth control option
  6. A dildo in your ass instead of the priest’s cock
  7. Apology for two thousand years I of church misdeeds
  8. Whoopee cushions in confessional booths
  9. Exploding school bus in Ulster
  10. Altar candles that light up again after being blown out
Volume 9- Issue 4

Top Ten Breakfast Cereal Killers

April 1, 2000
  1. Cocoa Puff Daddy
  2. Vons Value Brand Night Stalker Cereal
  3. Honey Tomb
  4. Apple Jack the Ripper
  5. Jeffrey Dahmer’s Frosted Flakes of Human Skin
  6. Grape Psychos
  7. Cunanan Toast Crunch
  8. Rice Kaczinskys
  9. Honey Bundys of Oats
  10. Cheeri-OJs
Volume 9- Issue 4

Top Ten Uses For A Vacuum

April 1, 2000
  1. Spay dog (you can suck the uterus right out of there)
  2. Turn innie into outie (for a brief period of time)
  3. In-home angioplasties
  4. Climb up side of building (requires two vacuums)
  5. Save money on shampoo
  6. Give self hickey; watch popularity skyrocket
  7. Reverse circumcision
  8. Steal atmosphere from rival planet
  9. Clean out ear wax
  10. Dust bunnies
Volume 9- Issue 4

Top Ten Ways For the ASUC to Improve Its Image

April 1, 2000
  1. Cyborgs!
  2. Return the Lindbergh baby
  3. Airlift supplies to Berlin
  4. More school dances that remind us of our awkward teenage years
  5. Take down the Confederate flag from atop Eshleman Hall
  6. Give students excursion passes to the Land of Chocolate
  7. Send a never-ending stream of self-congratulatory letters to the Daily Cal
  8. Declare war on Laney College
  9. Convert the seventh floor of Eshleman into a sinful garden of delight
  10. Choose an acronym that doesn’t involve the word “suck.”
Volume 9- Issue 4

Top Ten Breakfast Cereal Killers

April 1, 2000
  1. Cocoa Puff Daddy
  2. Vons Value Brand Night Stalker Cereal
  3. Honey Tomb
  4. Apple Jack the Ripper
  5. Jeffrey Dahmer’s Frosted Flakes of Human Skin
  6. Grape Psychos
  7. Cunanan Toast Crunch
  8. Rice Kaczinskys
  9. Honey Bundys of Oats
  10. Cheeri-Ojs
Volume 9- Issue 4

Top Ten Songs About Legislation

April 1, 2000
  1. Play That Funky Music Al Gore
  2. Johnny B. Partisan
  3. Smells Like The Contract With America
  4. I Just Called To Say I.O.U.
  5. Majority Whip It
  6. One Hand In My Pocket Veto
  7. Chapel of Love, Where Love Is Defined Explicitly as Being Between One Man and One Woman
  8. Conjunction Junction, Radical Reconstruction
  9. Filibusta Move
  10. Riders on the Budget
Volume 9- Issue 4

Top Five Travis Tritt Songs for The New Millenium

April 1, 2000
  1. Use 1 -800-COLLECT And Save A Buck Or Two On All Your Calls To Someone Who Cares
  2. Here’s Two Quarters, Call Someone Who Cares
  3. If You Keep It Brief, You Can Just Use My Cell Phone
  4. I Don’t Especially Care To Hear Your Problems, But I Just Have A Twenty-If You Can Get Change, You’re Welcome To Call Someone Who Cares
  5. Here’s A Quarter, No, Wait, Here’s a Quarter and a Dime, Call Someone Who Cares