Dear Squelch Staff,
I am outraged at the way you make fun of Chelsea Clinton based only her outward appearance. Just because she looks like an orangutan walking backwards doesn’t mean that you have to make fun of her. If … Read More
Author Archives: The Squelch
UC Police Voluntarily Refrain From Pepper Spray
Two UCPD officers voluntarily refrained from using pepper spray while apprehending a shoplifting suspect last Friday. Citing recent public disapproval of the spray, which can cause a painful burning sensation in the eyes and throat, the officers opted to use … Read More
Pope Enters Twentieth Century
The pope recently admitted that evolution “may be more than just a hypothesis” in light of “fresh evidence.” This follows his recent admission of the Catholic Church’s error in condemning Galileo. Rumor amoung the College of Cardinals has it that … Read More
A Phylogenic Analysis of Cheerios
I. Introduction
In recent years, biologists have been stunned by the explosive radiation of forms of the popular breakfast cereal, Cheerios. The sudden arrival of new varieties has offered strong support for a punctuated equilibrium model of breakfast cereal evolution. … Read More
Hide N’ Go Shower
Following the capture and military-style execution of a vagrant found showering in a Harvard University dormitory, dormitory bathrooms are now key-locked and require thumb and voice print verification for entry. Asked about the excessive costs necessary to install such a … Read More
Ode to Stanfurd
There once was a student
Who went to ‘The Farm,’
A grievous decision
That caused him great harm.
In high school, you see,
This student was fine
‘Till goin to Stanford
Verschnickered his mind.
The first day of school
He … Read More
Why Is That Guy Licking His Shoulder?
Berkeley has a well deserved reputation for being a city of lunatics. Hell, Telegraph is one of the only streets in the world where you can see two naked women performing an impromptu didgeridoo concert. While I’ll admit that there … Read More
Top Eleven Sapphic Star Wars Characters
- The E-Twats
- R2-Queef-U
- That damn sand thing
- Chew-box-a
- G-Spot 3-PO
- Vulva Fett
- Princess Labia
- Lando Clitorissian
- Darth Vagina
- Jabba the Cunt
- Grand Muff Tarkin
Top Ten Things a Girl Could Say to Ruin His Chances for Sex
Top Ten Better Jobs for the Mic Man
- Mine Sweeper
- Suicide Hotline operator
- Cheerleader’s bitch
- Mime
- Square Dance Caller
- Tele-Bears Operator
- Writer for <I>Daily Cal_
- Motivational Preacher
- Math Professor
- Sproul Preacher
