The methods used to judge the worthiness of a potential mate has grown into a convoluted tortured science that is incomprehensible to suitors themselves. Single men and women gather in remote bars, homes, and vacated warehouses to practice obscure ritualistic behaviors to select the best possible mate. No matter the sexuality, the criteria used in mate selection are inconsistent and self-defeating. The ultimate goal in all social interactions is finding a stable monogamous fornication buddy. So, it’d be best to bypass the time-consuming practices of drinking, eating, conversing, and/or romancing for more efficient mechanisms.
This leads me to the Hamadryas Baboon. The Hamadryas Baboon scours the fields of eastern Africa searching the terrain for wild roots, leaves, insects, fruits, and small mammals. When not foraging, the baboon is fucking. How is it that the male baboons are such successful fuckers? Well, evolution has gifted the female baboons with large fleshy genitalia. When swollen red during the baboon’s monthly cycle, the female’s glowing vagina is an eyesore to the casual zoo patron, but an inviting home to any male baboon’s phallus.
Of all the animal kingdom’s advancements, none is more efficient than the swollen, blood-engulfed posterior of the female Hamadryas Baboon. Now I’m not suggesting using the same mechanisms, but perhaps a similar one that permits the concurrent wearing of pants.
We simply need to alter our behavior for the sake of efficiency. The only way to achieve this will be through a united effort. Once a system is in place it will not be bizarre if every one is accepting. So, here’s the system. For example, you walk into a room. You are greeting friends and catching up on recent events when from across the room you spot your potential fornication buddy. Now instead of proceeding with the usual troublesome courting practices of introducing yourself and chatting it up, you instead approach her and lick her forehead. You anxiously wait for the pending response to your move. Will she lick back, or will she reject your move by baring her gritted teeth and making a hissing sound? Now if she licks back, she’s interested in pursuing a relationship that will inevitably end with fornication. However, if you’re seeing teeth but no tongue, it’ll best for you to invest your efforts elsewhere. The time consumed during this interaction was no more than a few seconds, and without the embarrassing and insultingly transparent ordeal of pretending to be interested in personality.
Similarly, females will be able to send clear signals of rejection without the hassle of phony conversational escapes or the aid of friends cutting in on unwanted dance partners. All these benefits come for the simple price of a damp forehead.
