Although UC Berkeley is known worldwide as a leader in excellence in education, there is one area in which Cal students are distressingly mediocre. Students get drunk in the same usual way that students get drunk at any major university. Nowhere in the nightly parade of alcohol, fornication, and vomit is there an indication of the uniqueness of Berkeley. The bacchanal experience is so generic, we may as well be at UC Davis, listening to Hootie and the Blowfish with a bunch of agricultural economics majors. With that in mind, we present a series of drinking games, designed specifically to represent the Berkeley experience, as well as get you totally hammered.
Watching a Cal Basketball Game : Every time Geno Carlisle misses a fall-away jumper, take a shot of whiskey. Whenever a Golden Bear goes to the free throw line and misses both of his shots, do two shots of vodka. And if Cal blows a lead to Stanford in the final two minutes and takes a terrible shot at the end that had no chance at all of going in and loses by two measly points and the fucking tree starts dancing on the court, just chug tequila until you’re unconscious.
At a Jesse Jackson Affirmative Action Rally on Sproul : Do a shot of the alcoholic beverage of your choice every time Jesse says; “Keep hope alive!” (Warning: You will quickly become either very drunk or a member of BAMN before you realize it.)
Drinking in the Dorms : Take a shot every time someone mentions how drunk they’re becoming. Take another shot if anyone mentions a time in high school when they got so-o-o-o wasted. If there’s a knock on the door, or, any vaguely threatening sound within fifteen feet of the door, frantically hide all bottles and turn music way down while muttering; “Ohmygodohmygodohmygod.” Once the danger is past, take another shot, while making fun of everyone else for being such a pussy.
At a Heuristic Squelch Party : One shot for each Monty Python reference you overhear. One shot for every South Park reference. One shot for every detailed description of a scene from a Simpsons episode. And one shot every time someone bemoans that no girls ever write for the Squelch, so no girls come to our parties, and none of us ever get laid.
Walking Down Telegraph : Start at Sproul Plaza, and begin walking down Telegraph. One player must take a drink whenever asked for spare change. Another must take a drink for each dog passed along the street. A third drinks after passing a store selling crappy overpriced Cal merchandise. The last must drink once for every piece of excrement encountered along the way. (not counting Fabuloso’s burritos) If your group isn’t hammered before reaching Cody’s, you may want to put yourself on a liver transplant waiting list right now.
In Soda Hall : While watching anime, take one shot for every guilty sexual thought you have about anatomically unrealistic cartoons of little Japanese girls with Caucasian eyes. Then, take another shot whenever you realize that the loneliness and social isolation you feel now will continue for the rest of your life.
During a Production of Moliere’s Tartuffe : Down a glass of sherry each time Tartuffe makes a ribald sexual advance. Whenever Moliere’s witty dialogue lampoons the laissez-faire moral attitude of the bourgeoisie, enjoy a chuckle, along with a glass of the light Chardonnay of your choice. And at every point where Tartuffe’s delightfully evil machinations seem near exposure, and Tartuffe himself is poised on the edge of disgrace, be quick to enjoy a liqueur before Tartuffe exploits the idiosyncratic French manners of his hosts and again escapes punishment.
