Top Ten Reasons It’s My Party and I’ll Cry if I Want To

You would cry too if it happened to you.
I am a total fucking pussy, that’s why.
Pin the Tail on the Donkey can be a more traumatic experience than most children let on.
In hindsight, freshly cut onions were a poor choice as a garnish for my pina colada.
Because this is a fraternity, and I am a younger member. Therefore, I must consume this here keg, weed, and squid before sunrise.
Because I own coasters, yet people are unaware of the fact that wet drinks should rest on coasters and not finely finished oak.
Because I didn’t organize a party, yet people are in my apartment at 2:00 am with many bottles of alcohol.
Because my party was arranged for me to fuck you, but you will not fuck me.
Because I represent truly democratic policies that will protect every American citizen, not only large corporations. I fixed seatbelts, but still no one will vote for me.
Because no one is at my party; it’s just me, a remote control, and a bowl of cereal.