Cinderella
Prince Squarejaw: I was very clear about my proclivities when we first met. I don’t know why this is suddenly a problem.
Cinderella: I’m willing to indulge his little quirks every now and then, but maybe we don’t have to play with my feet every time we make love.
Dr. Grimm: Compromise is important in every aspect of a relationship. Maybe some nights, you could do the things Cinderella wants to do?
Prince Squarejaw: It’s not like I’m ignoring her. We tried the whole forcing her to wash the floors thing. I’m really not that comfortable bossing her around.
Cinderella: How many times do I have to tell you, honey? Orphan play excites me.
Dr. Grimm: I think we’re really getting somewhere, but our time is up for today.
Prince Squarejaw: Quiet, peasant!
Mama and Papa Bear
Mama: Well I like a soft bed, but Jim needed a firmer mattress after he threw out his back at work–
Papa: Oh here you go, blaming the job again.
Dr. Grimm: And this is when you started sleeping in separate beds?
Papa: So that’s why we’re here, huh? How can she expect me to be intimate with her when she’s so damn passive aggressive? Everything is too hot or too cold. Nothing is ever just right!
Dr. Grimm: We don’t make judgments here, remember? We use “I feel” language, not “you are” language.
Papa: Fine! I feel she trapped me in this marriage when she had a baby bear. I feel she should stop leaving the door unlocked, so vagrants stop coming in and eating our porridge. And I feel that marrying someone with the exact opposite taste in absolutely everything was a mistake!
Mama: Well maybe if you liked it hard in the one way that matters, I could feel something.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
Snow White: Doctor, you just don’t understand our love.
Dr. Grimm: Miss White, I have no problem with your orientation as a little person fetishist. But don’t you think that a polyamorous octagon might be a little unhealthy given that you only recently recovered from your coma? I don’t even know how you all found each other.
Grumpy: It’s called the Internet, doc.
Doc: Pardon? You wanted something?
Sneezy: ACHEW!
Grumpy: No! Not you, Doc, that idiot over there.
Dopey: I don’ know why every ‘un is mad at me.
Dr. Grimm: Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. You there, in the corner. You’ve been quiet this whole time. Do you have anything you’d like to add?
Bashful: …I don’t like…the anal play…
Rumpelstiltskin
Dr. Grimm: You two are here to work on your trust issues, remember? At the very least, I’m going to have to know your name.
Rumpelstiltskin: Mayhaps a bargain we can make?
I’ll tell all – if you guess my name.
My trust will ne’er be yours to take,
For I’m too clever at this game!
Miller’s Daughter: He’s always like this. Do you know the first thing he did when we met? He demanded a baby.
Dr. Grimm: Enough with the bizarre rap-riddles. You’ll have to open up if we’re going to get anywhere.
Miller’s Daughter: Honey. Please. If you love me, listen to the man.
Rumpelstiltskin: Too deep, too buried lies the key
In memories of fear and gin
When Uncle got too fresh with me,
And yelled my name, Rumpelstiltsk—FUCK!!! I can’t believe I make this same goddamned mistake every time. Maybe I do need some help.
Dr. Grimm: We’re making remarkable progress for just a few stanzas.
Little Red Riding Hood
Big Bad Wolf: Come on Red, don’t be like that. You know I love you, baby.
Little Red Riding Hood: No Wolfy, I’m putting my hood down. You come home at all hours of the night, and I keep smelling other girls’ pastries on your breath. It’s all too much for me.
Big Bad Wolf: You’re seeing someone else, aren’t you? It’s that damn woodcutter, isn’t it? I knew it, I fucking knew it!
Dr. Grimm: Mr. Wolf, this is a safe space. If you don’t sit down, I will be forced to hit you on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
