Welcome fellow Calservatives to Reagan House, where the most free thinking individuals come together to laugh at the mindless sheep living in other co-ops. Members of those houses spend all their time around people who constantly validate their ideology. We, on the other hand, hold independent and freely derived opinions that just happen to be the same. Now come with me and I will show you what backbreaking work—the only possible reason for our success—has brought us.
Here’s the kitchen. You’ll notice there’s no communal storage space. The only members who eat are the ones with the strength and initiative to take what is rightfully theirs. Those who don’t have have enough food learn a valuable lesson about the absolute laws of nature. I find this endless struggle for life helps students here really grow into better people. Unlike in those weaker co-ops, we don’t assign people to cook for you. We like to emphasize that you must not rely on handouts of tofu stir-fry and quinoa. You can always hire someone to cook for you. Can’t afford that? Well, that’s your fault for being so lazy.
Now we venture on to the bedrooms. We aren’t so inefficient as to assign rooms based on the meaningless condition of how long you’ve lived here. Instead, rooms are bought with funds raised in Reagan House’s annual deregulated bake sale, because the market always rewards those who most deserve it. And to make sure we don’t punish success, there is no limit on the number of rooms any one person can buy regardless of how much space that person actually needs. Those of you with inferior vegan cupcakes must be stuffed into rooms that were obviously not built to accommodate three people.
Here we arrive at the common room, where many of the residents like to play chess, Free Market Jenga, and property-tax-free Monopoly. And our unrestricted 1880’s parties get pretty crazy. I once saw someone getting an invisible hand job right on the dance floor! These blowouts and our weekly laissez-faire barbecues have helped Reagan House rise above the other co-ops to have the most unique house culture in town. And ever since we privatized the bathrooms, we’ve had the most profitable parties on campus. Sure, some people have chosen to just throw up in the halls, but those who can afford entry have the most deluxe puking experience they’ll never remember.
With so many strong personalities residing in Reagan House, the constant vying for power makes house politics a marvelous example of human ingenuity. What was once one house government fell apart as each co-oper decided that his view of individual autonomy was best. Now there are at least twenty different agencies competing to set the activities of the house. While this system has left us with a noticeable lack of dishwashers, we’re confident that the most efficient system will be established if given the time needed to work itself out. One thing’s for sure: when the new age of reason dawns, members of the other houses will see how foolish they were to clean bathrooms for anyone but themselves.
We’ve now reached the end of the tour. Anyone still here is disqualified from living in Reagan House because, as it turns out, you’re all just a bunch of followers.
