We at the Heuristic Squelch know that the last thing you want to think about is money, but these obscure campus scholarships might be your only chance to graduate without a second mortgage on your kidneys. Just remember, some some of the scholarships require essays or other criteria for submission. Good luck!
The Franklin McArthur Journalism Scholarship:
This $5,000 scholarship will be awarded to the journalism major who can go the longest before telling his parents that he’s no longer doing pre-med.
Department of Graduate Studies Scholarship:
We will endow $6,000, regardless of field of study, to the one graduate student who has enough spare time to apply for a scholarship.
Essay: Describe your fantasy job, and then explain why you would ever think that graduate school would help you get it.
British Petroleum PR Relief Scholarship:
The BP Scholarship will award $5,000 to up to three UC Berkeley students who truly don’t care where their scholarship money comes from.
Logo Design Contest: Design a logo that makes people forget we destroyed the Gulf of Mexico.
Cal Student Store Scholarship:
We will award $4,000 to a UC Berkeley freshman who hasn’t yet realized that he wouldn’t need a scholarship if he just bought his books off Amazon.com.
John Yoo Scholarship:
The John Yoo Scholarship will award $2,000 to a student in the Boalt School of Law. The student should be ambitious, creative, and willing to justify the most immoral acts that can be performed on another human being.
Essay: Write about an experience in which you persevered despite living in a city in which the entire populace wanted you arrested.
William Randolph Hearst Scholarship:
We will award $15,000 to the UC Berkeley student who can lead the United States to war with Spain.
The Bill & Melinda Gates Philanthropy Scholarship:
We will grant $10,000 to one UC Berkeley student who is arrogant enough to think that he can win this exclusive scholarship.
Essay: Explain why, in this age of extreme inequality, where millions go without food or infrastructure, you specifically are entitled to this money to get your English degree.
UCPD Fellowship:
The UCPD Fellowship will award $1,500 dollars to a UC Berkeley student interested in a career in criminal justice.
Photo contest: Submit incriminating photos of police brutality. Only send originals. Make no copies.
Amnesty International Scholarship for Social Consciousness:
We will award $5,000 to the UC Berkeley freshman who can ask the most off-topic, sanctimonious questions in his or her American History lecture.
The Stephenson Institute’s Scholarship for Ironic Philanthropy :
We will award $12,000 to whichever college freshman needs and/or deserves the money the least.
Essay: Describe how little either winning or losing this scholarship will affect your privileged financial standing.
Folklore Department Scholarship:
We will award $3,000 dollars to any undergraduate, regardless of major, who can justify this department’s existence.
