In English R1B Class
Satan: The mortal Jay Gatsby, like all other men before him, finds solace from the trials of his world in the path of sin!
GSI: Excellent, Satan! Class, see how he juxtaposes Judeo-Christian elements with the dynamics of post-feminist queer theory?
Satan: Fool! I am doing no such thing! Your vile words shall drown in everlasting fire!
GSI: Now, now, Satan, you made an excellent point, but this is an open discussion. Let the rest of the class speak.
Satan: Bah! Whatever force placed me here is an evil one indeed! Curse my score of four on the Advanced Placement literature exam!
At Shattuck Cinemas With a Very Special Mortal Lady
Girlfriend: So how’d you like Garden State?
Satan: A thousand curses upon it! I found the narrative both cliched and meandering!
Girlfriend: [huffily] Well, Satan, I liked it. I guess archdaemons of despair like you just aren’t sensitive enough to appreciate it.
Satan: [To himself] Hmm. Human females seem to put great value on sensitivty. Perhaps I should change my tack.
Satan: [Out Loud] I did, however, find the performance of the mortal Zach Braff to be both subtle and nuanced!
Girlfriend: Really! Oh my god! Me too! We should make out!
Satan: KISS ME ON ONE OF MY THOUSAND FANGED MAWS!
Deciding What to Study
Peer Advisor: So, Satan, decided on a major yet?
Satan: I shall major in history!
Peer Advisor: Uh huh. And what do you plan to do with that?
Satan: Ha! What do I plan to do with that! A foolish question with a facile, obvious answer! I shall use my knowledge of human institutions to hasten their demise! I shall wreak untold havoc on your puny world!
Peer Advisor: So law school, then.
Satan: Do you think my GPA is good enough?
At a Certain House on Warring Street
Satan: Hmm…this “Delta Kappa Epsilon” has great potential for evil! Arcane greek symbols, brutal hazing, drunken debauchery… I shall sow the seeds of immorality on this fertile patch of earth and reap the fruits of madness and depravity!
Frat guy: : Woo!
Satan: Woo indeed, mortal.
Frat guy: : Dude, Satan. You gotta try this stuff, it’ll blow your mind.
Satan: My mind is an unfathomable cosmos of pure evil. It cannot be blown by mere pharmaceutical tablets.
[3 hours later]
Frat guy: : Yeah, Satan, keep rubbing my back like that.
Satan: It’s just… everything feels so… ahhhh. Oh man! Someone get that cat to lick my horns again.
The Next Week at the Tang Center
Nurse: Well you seem to have a lot of red irritated skin and most of the pamphlets we’ve handed you seem to keep mysteriously catching fire.
Satan: Forget that, that’s not what I came here for. I really don’t remember what happened but it’s been, like burning in my pee. And there’s swelling. Uhh, down there. Near little Satan.
Nurse: Well we’ve got your test results right here. I’m sorry, but you have Chlamydia.
Satan: … Oh. I guess I have some phone calls to make.
Nurse: Some?
Satan: [sullenly] One.
