I am a man of many talents. In fact, “Talents” is my middle name. Or, at least it is whenever I fucking want it to be. You see, I’m gifted in the divine art of making fake names. You may be thinking “But anyone can make fake names.” But not like me–check it: Jet Guyison WOOSH! Slamston Triad ZING! Harlem Lightpost.
That power trio sure got you to shut your word hole, Mr. Lax Creativity-Bergstein. Just as it would be unfair for a mother to hog all her breast milk, it would be similarly ridiculous to not share the art of creating electrifying pseudonyms. Here are some pointers.
Tip 1: Power Comes First
Nothing says “I’m a powerful man” better than a fist-pumping first name. Create a monosyllabic name that conveys danger, wicked fast transportation, or Zeus-mediated fistfights–the most robust of first names employs all three. Fast Danger-Fear, Flint Boomrock, or Fear Danger-Fast will all do. Still confused? Refer to the names mentioned earlier: “Jet,” “Harlem,” and “Slamston.” Jet conveys speed. Harlem evokes fear of tall people, and Slamston alludes to the ever-present threat of femur-snapping sex.
Tip 2: Retards: The Mystical Fake Name Magicians
If you’re feeling unoriginal, you can outsource the task of creating an ingenious nom de plume. The mentally handicapped happen to be fake-name geniuses. Simply have your local tard pronounce any old name. Robert Marshall turns into Barbell Martian. Martin Stone becomes Magnum Stone! And, if you are lucky enough to get an especially tarded tard, Ed Turner becomes Ignatius Featherfoot.
Tip 3: Finding Your Muse
Inspiration for a good first name is everywhere. Things like geological formations, forces of nature, and animals will help spur your ingenuity. My three-day peyote hike through Death Valley produced Butte Waterspout, Windy Cougar and Plateau Despondence. As you may have gathered, the Indians have long used this trick to come up with such classics as Red Cloud and Sitting Bull. Just make sure your fake name doesn’t lend itself to oppression.
Tip 4: A Preference for Prefixes
Let’s face it, no one’s going to listen to Maynard Browning. But what if you got a message straight from the desk of M. Browning, Superpresident, or his Excellency, Maynard de Marron? With an appropriate awe-inspiring prefix (or occasional wonder-encouraging suffix), you can turn any Alan Scott into a Lieutenant Apollo Starshooter, ambassador to the sun.
Now, armed with the power of the alias, you’re a regular Flashpack Dangermount, ready to upset the tyranny of the Name. My only warning: use your godlike power for good. Use it for evil only if you really, really need to.
