Reasons I should be your Ruler:
Divine Right
GOD: Kevin, you rule.
KEVIN: I rule? Wow, I rule the town! I am the King! Thanks, God.
GOD: No, no. That wasn’t in the imperative form. I used it in an adjective form, as in ‘you rule, Smashing Pumpkins.’
KEVIN: Oh GOD: Sorry.
KEVIN: (Sly) Hey God, what happens if I advance my piece all the way to your side when playing Checkers?
GOD: I king you.
KEVIN: Yes! I’m King! Sucker.
GOD: I saw this coming, but chose to fall for it.
King Birthmark
MICHELLE: You really have a birthmark shaped like the Campanile?
KEVIN: Yes, thus proving my claim to the throne.
MICHELLE: Kevin, that’s your penis.
KEVIN: It’s pointy and tells the time, too.
MICHELLE: Are those herpes?
KEVIN: No! They’re bells. (Sadly) Herpes Bells.
Right of Marriage
KEVIN: Okay, I’ve killed the Great Red Dragon, cleaned the Stables of the Thousand Cows, and slayed the Magic Goat. Now, can I finally have your daughter’s hand in marriage?
KING: Certainly, now come… (Courtier whispers to him)
KING: Sorry, turns out you were supposed to lay the Magic Goat.
KEVIN: Lay it wher…
KING: No, lay it. Lay meaning to have sex with the Magic Goat. (Courtier whispers to him)
KING: Sex with the now-dead Magic Goat.
Right of Succession
KEVIN: Father, please conquer Berkeley for me.
FATHER: Of course, my son. (He conquers Berkeley)
KEVIN: Ah, now when you pass on, I will rule the town!
FATHER: Oh, you’re adopted. (Pause)
FATHER: And your real Father was the previous King. (Pause)
FATHER: Hey, Irony isn’t just a river in Egypt.
KEVIN: That’s “denial.”
FATHER: There’s more then one river, you know.
