Frequently Asked Questions: Berkeley

As a new student at Berkeley, you no doubt have a lot of questions. But
exactly what questions should you have? These questions.

Q: What does Berkeley have to offer me?

A: A top notch education, Hot Tubs at University and MLK, social anxiety
disorder, gonorrhea, creative facial hair, gratuitous genital piercings,
and the finest cooperative employee-owned sex shop in the West.

Q: Sweet. How will I find my way around?

A: Maps are readily available on campus. Also, ask your local homeless
guy for the routes that take you down the best poopin’ streets.

Q: What if I don’t like my roommate?

A: Most roommate tiffs can be settled over quiet conversation and
a cup of coffee. If this doesn’t work, you’re fucked. Knife him/her
in the gut. This may not solve all your problems, but it will kill yourroommate.

Q: So how do you pronounce “Oski”?

A: Oh that’s easy, just like this: Oski.

Q: How do I decide on a future that is both financially rewarding
and personally fulfilling?

A: First, decide on a major that you enjoy. Then use it to get a good
job and make a bunch of money. Then blow it on snuff, smack, and blow. Yes,
I said “blow” twice.

Q: How do I get to Zellerbach Hall?

A: Practice.

Q: So what’s your major?

A: Celtic Studies.

Q: So you’re a Mick.

A: That wasn’t even a question.

Q: So?

A: Um . . .

Q: You gonna cry, Mick?

A: _[sob] _No.

Q: Fine, here’s a question: What’s the atomic weight of

A: 247.

Q: No way. Really?

A: Yeah.

Q: What’s that over there?

A: I can’t see what you’re pointing at.

Q: Well then, that’s all I have to ask.

A: Really? Are you sure?

Q: Yeah, I think so. Those are all my questions.

A: There’s nothing else you want to ask? Nothing at all?

Q: Nope.

A: Maybe something about finding parking? Getting housing? Dealing
with campus bureaucracy?

Q: No, I’m pretty much all set.

A: But I’m so lonely.