As a new student at Berkeley, you no doubt have a lot of questions. But
exactly what questions should you have? These questions.
Q: What does Berkeley have to offer me?
A: A top notch education, Hot Tubs at University and MLK, social anxiety
disorder, gonorrhea, creative facial hair, gratuitous genital piercings,
and the finest cooperative employee-owned sex shop in the West.
Q: Sweet. How will I find my way around?
A: Maps are readily available on campus. Also, ask your local homeless
guy for the routes that take you down the best poopin’ streets.
Q: What if I don’t like my roommate?
A: Most roommate tiffs can be settled over quiet conversation and
a cup of coffee. If this doesn’t work, you’re fucked. Knife him/her
in the gut. This may not solve all your problems, but it will kill yourroommate.
Q: So how do you pronounce “Oski”?
A: Oh that’s easy, just like this: Oski.
Q: How do I decide on a future that is both financially rewarding
and personally fulfilling?
A: First, decide on a major that you enjoy. Then use it to get a good
job and make a bunch of money. Then blow it on snuff, smack, and blow. Yes,
I said “blow” twice.
Q: How do I get to Zellerbach Hall?
A: Practice.
Q: So what’s your major?
A: Celtic Studies.
Q: So you’re a Mick.
A: That wasn’t even a question.
Q: So?
A: Um . . .
Q: You gonna cry, Mick?
A: _[sob] _No.
Q: Fine, here’s a question: What’s the atomic weight of
Berkelium?
A: 247.
Q: No way. Really?
A: Yeah.
Q: What’s that over there?
A: I can’t see what you’re pointing at.
Q: Well then, that’s all I have to ask.
A: Really? Are you sure?
Q: Yeah, I think so. Those are all my questions.
A: There’s nothing else you want to ask? Nothing at all?
Q: Nope.
A: Maybe something about finding parking? Getting housing? Dealing
with campus bureaucracy?
Q: No, I’m pretty much all set.
A: But I’m so lonely.
