First off, kudos for returning Sex on Tuesday to its former dirty self, a column which at its best makes you feel like you should shower after reading it, and even on an off day still makes you want to masturbate while reading it.
Second, would you like to have sex with me? You’re obviously very knowledgeable on the subject, and come off as reasonably experienced, as well as possessing attributes generally considered to be physically attractive, and therefore seem like an ideal candidate for a sexual partner.
As for me, I consider myself fairly handsome, and though a bit on the lanky side, overall I’m good-looking. I could definitely be considered “cute.” I am an editor for the Heuristic Squelch, which proves that I have a good sense of humor, which girls supposedly believe is important. To be perfectly honest, I am not very sexually experienced and have not had any significant contact with a girl for just over a year now. However, I am willing to put in plenty of effort and am totally open to any advice you might want to offer. Since you seek to alleviate the painful “sexual void” on campus (“Bring the Drive Back,” Oct. 9), you might consider sex with me a major step toward solving that problem.
I realize an e-mailed solicitation for sex may be a weird and slightly creepy thing to receive. I hope you will take my offer in the casual and nonthreatening spirit in which it is intended. I also realize that you will almost certainly not want to make a decision about having sex with me, sight unseen and having never met. Therefore, I have included an example of what I would look like with my arm around you.
That said, I wouldn’t be surprised if you simply deleted this e-mail and called the Daily Cal editors to request greater personal security. However, I hope you won’t do that and that you will at least grace me with a reply. Perhaps we can meet over pizza sometime, get to know each other, and decide if we want to have sex.
How about it?
No, seriously.
Cordially,
Kenny Byerly
