The Happiest Day on Earth in the Happiest Place on Earth

“Pardon me. Is this the Disneyland help desk?”

“Yes. Can I help you?”

“Yeah … I’m looking for my friend. She’s supposed to meet me here. Has anyone come here asking for me?”


“I haven’t even told you my name yet.”


“But I–”

“Look sir, this may be the Happiest Place on Earth, but I can’t change reality for you.”

“I’m just–”

“Hey, look, I’m Reality Changing Man, there’s your friend!”


“Go away.”

. . . . .

“How many people you got?”

“Just me. I’ll take a whole ‘doom buggy’ for myself.”

“What? No, seriously.”

“Seriously. It’s just me.”

“Um … I’m going to have to call the Haunted Mansion manager.”

“What? I’ll just get on one of the doom buggies myself.”

“Sorry, it’s not me. The manager is a real stickler. We’ve got a seating chart here … even numbered groups break into twos, and odd numbered groups break into twos and threes … Please wait here.”

. . . . .

“What? Why are you calling me about this?”

“Well, there’s a seating problem…”

“Didn’t you read the chart? If there’s an odd number put him in a booth with two of his friends.”

“He’s here at Disneyland alone.”



“Let me handle this.”

. . . . .

“Hello, Michael Eisner here.”

“We have a code Alpha-6-Bravo situation developing at the Haunted Mansion.”

“He’s alone? Poor bastard. Well, I guess it’s up to me …”

“But sir, just what are you planning to do?”

“Whatever I have to.”

. . . . .

“I can’t believe I’m in the Haunted Mansion with Michael Eisner!!”

“Last year we hired a guy to be the new character of the ‘Haunted Mansion Knight.’ That was my idea, you know: mixing live actors with animatronics.”

“Wow! Michael Eisner, you’re the coolest.”

“Oh hey! Watch out, there’s a hitchhiking ghost sitting between us.”

“Dude, that’s awesome!”

. . . . .

“Turn that frown upside-down, sad clown. I’m sure your pal just got caught in traffic…”

“Michael, you’re a real friend.”

“Ah c’mon. Don’t be blue. Say … who wants to be a rascally pirate on Tom Sawyer Island?”



“All right!”

. . . . .

“Mike … thanks for hanging out with me today.”

“No problem. Just remember to keep reaching for the stars and always believe in magic.”

“Mike, I made you something while you were wrestling the hippos on the jungle tour.”

“What? You shouldn’t have.”

“No, really. It’s a collage. So we can remember that we’ll be bestest friends forever.”

“Oh, and you even remembered how I like peanut brittle.”

“I cut it out of the Disneyland in-park magazine … I love you, Mike.”

“Well, gee, Tom. I think you’re really swell too.”

“Kiss me, Mike.”