You Can’t Do That in Berkeley

Scene: Firing squad

Alasdair stands against a post with his hands behind his back. El Capitano calls out to offscreen firing squad.

El Capitano: Ready . . . aim . . .

Alasdair: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Stop the execution!

El Capitano: What is it this time?

Alasdair: Don’t you realize capital punishment is inherently wrong? No matter what my crime, state-sanctioned killing mocks the very notion of the sanctity of human life, undermining the very basis of a “civilized” society.

El Capitano: Hmm. I never thought of that.

Alasdair: Not to mention the death penalty is inherently racist. Do you realize Canadian kids like me make up over eighty percent of inmates executed by vaguely South American firing squads, even though we make up less than one percent of the population of vaguely South American countries?

El Capitano: You don’t say.

Alasdair: It’s true.

El Capitano absentmindly steps in front of Alasdair.

El Capitano: Kid, you’ve opened my eyes. I’m going to let you go. I don’t care if I do get fired.

Firing squad fires, shooting El Capitano to death. Alasdair rolls eyes innocently.

Scene: Dungeon

Kevin, in tattered clothes, is chained to the walls with manacles too big for his wrists.

Dungeon Master: Good news, Kevin. I just got word, you’re getting out of here.

Kevin: All right, freedom! Blue skies, Barthy Burgers, girls!

Dungeon Master: Who said anything about freedom? You’re going to work in a sweatshop, producing university T-shirts, while we expand our facilities here.

Kevin: Darn the dungeon-industrial complex!

Scene: Barth’s Restaurant

Christine eats a hamburger.

Christine: Hey Lisa, aren’t you going to order something?

Lisa: No way. I’m a vegan. I can’t stand how they mistreat animals just so people like Barth here can pawn it off as food.

Barth: I heard that! Don’t worry, Lisa, I only use meat from animals which die a natural death from disease. And even then only after they’ve been lying out dead for a few weeks.

Christine: Doesn’t that make your food prone to foodborne illnesses and horribly unsafe to eat?

Barth: Yes.

Christine barfs.

Scene: Lockers

Alasdair pops out of a locker.

Alasdair: Hey Stephanie?

Stephanie pops out of another locker.

Stephanie: Yes Alasdair?

Alasdair: What do you call a really smart gay guy?

Stephanie: What?

Alasdair: A “homo-genius.”

Stephanie: That was really offensive, Alasdair.

Alasdair: I know.

Stagehands lock Alasdair in locker.

Scene: Studio set

Christine: Kevin, what are you doing here? Weren’t you going to organize our protest for better working conditions on this show?

Kevin: I was going to, but suddenly I realize how good we have it here. Why trouble management? They’re good people, and they’d never let greed interfere with human decency. I don’t know why we were so upset.

Kevin is slimed.

Kevin: See? This is great!

Christine: What?

Vanessa: Look, Moose, I just finished scheduling, and I got every class I needed!

Alasdair: And my financial aid came through, and it was on time, hassle-free, and totally sufficient for my needs.

Ross: Hey kids, these refunds just came for you. The ASUC managed its budget so well this year, you’re getting your fees back.

Christine: Never mind, I get it…