Top Ten Things A Hyperintelligent Cat Would Do If He Got His Paws On An Old Vinyl Record

Try in vain to do anything whatsoever, batting it hopelessly with his tiny paws, while his patronizing human masters fawn over him.
Sell it; buy tuna fish with profits
Break it in half, because he knows karate
Poop on it while reading “Ulysses”
Get wasted on catnip while listening, decide that it’s a piece of shit, and laugh himself silly while ramming his head into a wall over and over
Laugh at all the other hyperintelligent cats, who must content themselves with fleeting radio transmissions.
Listen to it while watching “The Wizard of Oz.” Scoff at less intelligent cats who believe the movie matches up with the record
Utilize superior feline hearing to determine that the sound quality didn’t match that of a CD
Use it to create a chart-topping duet with Paula Abdul
Scratch it up…literally!!!