Janeane from Carson City, NV asks, “So how is your column different from the many other advice columns out there?”
Well, Janeane, for starters, I think outside the box. I’m a no nonsense go-getter, so don’t expect me to sweet talk you like the others. My responses are All Business: they may not make you feel better, but they’ll sure as hell solve your problem.
Tim Jeeds of Cupertino, CA asks, “Saundra, I’m hearing impaired. I don’t consider this a disability, but rather a gift from God. Since I choose to embrace my gift by not wearing a hearing aid, many of my co-workers are oblivious. When they have conversations during lunch, I can barely make out what they’re saying. I don’t want to rudely interrupt with ‘what?’ every second minute, but I also want to be included. Please help!”
Well, Timbo, I’ve been in a similar predicament. When I’m not busy solving other people’s problems, I’m Personnel Director for Axis Pharmaceuticals. I get along great with all my “worker bees” but, the Wednesday before last–I don’t want to be too graphic for my readers, Tim–it just happened to be “one of those days.” It was a “heavy” day, if you know what I mean. In other words, it was the time of the month when I get a bit overly irritable. To put it in layman’s terms, I had shed the protective lining of my uterine wall in accordance with my ovulation cycle. My day was quickly becoming unproductive and in my business, a wasted day can mean your job. So, I gathered all my coworkers together for a pre-work meeting and delicately explained the situation to them. I told them that just because my vagina was Not Quite All Business that day didn’t mean that I was also out of commission. They completely understood and we made more than three times our average quota! Be honest, Tim. Just explain the situation to them in non-threatening terms like I did.
Alexandria de Soto of San Diego, CA writes, “When I was thirteen I found out that my mother was a lesbian. It was startling at first, but I’ve been raised in an open, loving household and have come to accept my mother for who she is. However, I didn’t feel comfortable telling my fiance about it when we were first seeing each other. We’re getting married in two months and he still hasn’t figured it out! How should I break the news?”
This may seem difficult at first glance, but in reality it shouldn’t be all that bad. It’s very similar to when I have to downsize one of my “bees.” My Hints for Human Resources has many helpful tips for workers adjusting to a surprising new reality. Your fiance will have to adjust to the new paradigm of your mother’s sexuality.
The real adjustment your fiance will have to make, however, is to a higher level of respect for the vagina. Explain to him that any vagina is very sacred. Whether it belongs to you, your lesbian mother, or even his 12 year-old cousin, he must worship the vagina like it were a diamond, a ruby, a 12 year-old vagina, even. Obviously, he isn’t doing that. If he were, he would come to his senses and realize that your mother’s sexual preference doesn’t matter because the vagina which is mine was a gift from the divine. He believes there are vaginas more desirable than my All Business Vagina (ABV), and this is where he has gone wrong. The ABV is not fishy or nasty. It is beautiful and tongue-attracting. He must gravitate to my ABV like he does to a 12 year-old’s. Tell him how, Alex, now!
Matthew Keith of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania complains, “Saundra, my wife and I are planning our first family vacation with our 9 year old son. I think we should go to Disneyworld, but my wife says he should be exposed to a more ‘cultural’ trip.”
Well, Mr. Keith, you can tie culture, fun, and a vacation all into one by taking a trip to Washington D.C. and exploring the Smithsonian Musuem of Natural History. I’d recommend the “Camping with the Sioux” exhibit. It’s about America’s first female anthropologist, Alice Cunningham Fletcher. Its important to teach our children, especially boys, to look to strong women for guidance in their lives, and this exhibit does just that. But you need to “guide the guidance,” Mr Keith. Start by guiding your son to respect me, All Business Firth, and my crotch of All Business Passion before he’s forever tarnished by insensitive football coaches, Boy Scout Webelos leaders, and Skittles.
One, the bottom of the All Business Clitoris is more sensitive than the top of the All Business Clitoris. Two, he should learn the maxim, “circular motion is like a magic potion.” In my case this will be more of an ellipse than a circle, because the right All Business Labia Minora is smaller than the left. Three, the ABV appreciates when a man is forceful instead of timid. It isn’t natural for most, so demonstrate and teach your son on the world’s first ABV, captured for eternity in the Smithsonian’s hypo-polymer mold of Alice Cunningham Fletcher. Happy Vacationing!
Saundra Firth is the author of Personnel Management: The Clitoral Metaphor.