City Council to Vote on Gay Benefits

Gay benefits could soon be implemented for employees throughout Berkeley, if certain city council members have their way. A hotly debated new resolution put before the council last week could require all Berkeley employers to offer certain gay benefits.

Contrary to popular misconception, this measure would not offer any specific rights to homosexual couples, but would apply to all workers. The proposal mandates employer-provided spoiled eggnog year-round, as well as comprehensive medical coverage for any injury not requiring treatment.

“Dude, those benefits are hella gay,” exclaimed Councilmember Kriss Worthington, upon hearing of the proposal.

“Totally,” agreed Councilmember Polly Armstrong, “Those are, like, really gay benefits.”

The council is expected to vote on the resolution on Tuesday.