Ever wonder about other people? Do you have a lot of questions about that guy standing over there? Or maybe that girl – you know, the one with the nose? We pretty much have all the answers, but we don’t want to share them with the likes of you. We are, however, a peaceful people. In order to give you, the plebeians, the chance to reach a consciousness equal to that of the Squelchocracy, we present two easy surveys. After receiving answers from the listed questions, you should be connecting with your fellow man or woman on a never-before attained wavelength. Either that, or you’ll be punched right in the friggin’ mouth.
Women
- What is your name?
- Amanda
- Sloopy
- SanDe
- Tatisheniqua
- George
- Other
- How tall are you?
- 5’2
- 6’0
- Height is so relative to how tall you are.
- What color are your eyes?
- Blue
- Green
- Now that’s a tough one
- I decline to answer on the grounds that I may incriminate myself
- If you were ice cream, what flavor would you be?
- Ice cream is good
- One of the orange or green ones
- Chunkey Monkey
- Anything with fudge
- Will you go out with me?
- No
- If the answer to Number 5 is no, why not?
- Puh-leeeez!
- I’m waiting for my roommate’s desk to be delivered.
- We’re just going to have to agree to disagree.
- It’s that whole chastity thing.
- If we mated, I think that would be a sure sign of the Apocalypse.
- If the answer Number 5 is yes, why?
- pity
- So you think you’re too good for me?
- Yes
- Hell yes
- Damn straight
- What do you think of the crisis in Iraq?
- Obviously it’s just another ploy by the imperialist forces of the West to dominate the world.
- What’s a crisis?
- Anything with fudge
- Do you think the Squelch is sexist?
- Can you take that gun away from my head?
- Only on certain pages.
- Get your hand out of there!
- Why do girls like horses?
- Horses are nice.
- I clean the stables, I clean the stables gooood.
- It’s big.
- Why don’t girls like me?
- Who are you?
- Probably something to do with El Nino.
- Donde esta el sanitario?
- Anything with fudge.
- You didn’t really answer my last question…
- Fuck that noise!
- Word
- I’m rubber and you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.
Men
- Have you ever cheated on your girlfriend?
- Yes
- Does oral sex count as cheating?
- I’ve never had a girlfriend.
- I’m gay but yes, I’ve cheated on my boyfriend.
- Has your girlfriend ever cheated on you?
- Look at me! Would anyone cheat on this?
- Only once, and I saved the guy’s kneecaps in formaldehyde
- Only with her professor, and she really needed the B+.
- Is chest size really important to you?
- Mine or hers?
- Depends on what she’s wearing
- Depends on what her face looks like
- 36-24-36? Only if she’s 5’3”!
- Have you ever used a girl for her body?
- Yes
- It was really cold-you understand
- I’m not sure I understand the question
- Have you ever lied to a girl you were dating?
- Does “exaggeration” count?
- I was only protecting her feelings
- No, I really am a sensitive, shy guy down deep
- Would you ever date me if you knew I was saving myself for marrige?
- Who’s “marriage?”
- Yes, we’d have to go Dutch.
- Does oral sex count as adultery?
- Will you marry me?
- Are you good in bed?
- Are you familiar with Nine and a Half Weeks?
- I’m hung like Marky Mark in Boogie Nights.
- Better than your vibrator, baby.
- Decide for yourself.
- Well, I always climax.
- How tall are you?
- About six feet
- Six feet
- How did you choose your major?
- Haas rejected me.
- There were girls in the brochure
- I though PEIS stood for something else.
- What is your favorite sport?
- Women’s Mud Wrestling.
- Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
- A football game with the girls from Victoria’s Secret catalogue where their job is to try and tackle me
- Hockey
- If you could die and come back as anything, what would it be?
- Me, only with less homework and rich.
- Me, only closer to six feet tall.
- Me only in a country that sanctions polygamy.
- Me, only with a girlfriend that cooks and cleans
- Me, only I live next door to Taco Bell and it’s free ’cause they love me there.
