Pimps are from Mars, Hos are from Venus

Ever wonder about other people? Do you have a lot of questions about that guy standing over there? Or maybe that girl – you know, the one with the nose? We pretty much have all the answers, but we don’t want to share them with the likes of you. We are, however, a peaceful people. In order to give you, the plebeians, the chance to reach a consciousness equal to that of the Squelchocracy, we present two easy surveys. After receiving answers from the listed questions, you should be connecting with your fellow man or woman on a never-before attained wavelength. Either that, or you’ll be punched right in the friggin’ mouth.


  1. What is your name?
    • Amanda
    • Sloopy
    • SanDe
    • Tatisheniqua
    • George
    • Other
  2. How tall are you?
    • 5’2
    • 6’0
    • Height is so relative to how tall you are.
  3. What color are your eyes?
    • Blue
    • Green
    • Now that’s a tough one
    • I decline to answer on the grounds that I may incriminate myself
  4. If you were ice cream, what flavor would you be?
    • Ice cream is good
    • One of the orange or green ones
    • Chunkey Monkey
    • Anything with fudge
  5. Will you go out with me?
    • No
  6. If the answer to Number 5 is no, why not?
    • Puh-leeeez!
    • I’m waiting for my roommate’s desk to be delivered.
    • We’re just going to have to agree to disagree.
    • It’s that whole chastity thing.
    • If we mated, I think that would be a sure sign of the Apocalypse.
  7. If the answer Number 5 is yes, why?
    • pity
  8. So you think you’re too good for me?
    • Yes
    • Hell yes
    • Damn straight
  9. What do you think of the crisis in Iraq?
    • Obviously it’s just another ploy by the imperialist forces of the West to dominate the world.
    • What’s a crisis?
    • Anything with fudge
  10. Do you think the Squelch is sexist?
    • Can you take that gun away from my head?
    • Only on certain pages.
    • Get your hand out of there!
  11. Why do girls like horses?
    • Horses are nice.
    • I clean the stables, I clean the stables gooood.
    • It’s big.
  12. Why don’t girls like me?
    • Who are you?
    • Probably something to do with El Nino.
    • Donde esta el sanitario?
    • Anything with fudge.
  13. You didn’t really answer my last question…
    • Fuck that noise!
    • Word
    • I’m rubber and you’re glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.


  1. Have you ever cheated on your girlfriend?
    • Yes
    • Does oral sex count as cheating?
    • I’ve never had a girlfriend.
    • I’m gay but yes, I’ve cheated on my boyfriend.
  2. Has your girlfriend ever cheated on you?
    • Look at me! Would anyone cheat on this?
    • Only once, and I saved the guy’s kneecaps in formaldehyde
    • Only with her professor, and she really needed the B+.
  3. Is chest size really important to you?
    • Mine or hers?
    • Depends on what she’s wearing
    • Depends on what her face looks like
    • 36-24-36? Only if she’s 5’3”!
  4. Have you ever used a girl for her body?
    • Yes
    • It was really cold-you understand
    • I’m not sure I understand the question
  5. Have you ever lied to a girl you were dating?
    • Does “exaggeration” count?
    • I was only protecting her feelings
    • No, I really am a sensitive, shy guy down deep
  6. Would you ever date me if you knew I was saving myself for marrige?
    • Who’s “marriage?”
    • Yes, we’d have to go Dutch.
    • Does oral sex count as adultery?
    • Will you marry me?
  7. Are you good in bed?
    • Are you familiar with Nine and a Half Weeks?
    • I’m hung like Marky Mark in Boogie Nights.
    • Better than your vibrator, baby.
    • Decide for yourself.
    • Well, I always climax.
  8. How tall are you?
    • About six feet
    • Six feet
  9. How did you choose your major?
    • Haas rejected me.
    • There were girls in the brochure
    • I though PEIS stood for something else.
  10. What is your favorite sport?
    • Women’s Mud Wrestling.
    • Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.
    • A football game with the girls from Victoria’s Secret catalogue where their job is to try and tackle me
    • Hockey
  11. If you could die and come back as anything, what would it be?
    • Me, only with less homework and rich.
    • Me, only closer to six feet tall.
    • Me only in a country that sanctions polygamy.
    • Me, only with a girlfriend that cooks and cleans
    • Me, only I live next door to Taco Bell and it’s free ’cause they love me there.