My ’63 Convertible slowed to a stop in the eerie woods. There were no streetlights or signs of civilization for miles. You think I was scared? HA! Not with my date in the passenger seat. That night, I wore balls.
“Can you believe it, we’re outta gas!” I said after an awkward silence.
“So,” she said quietly. “What do we do now?” She gave me this tantalizing look, like she was feeling kinda frisky. Right then, I knew I was in for something good.
A good walk through the woods. I remember how hot she looked in her pink poodle skirt. And I was damn sweet with my red lettermens jacket (My mom sewed on the “M” patch, but my date didn’t know that). We turned to each other.
“You know I like you, don’t you?” I asked impulsively.
“Yes.” She said brightly.
“I was wondering if…you’d be my girl,” I said. She could totally tell I was wearing balls.
“Oh Matthew!”
As we embraced, I looked over her shoulder and saw wild coyotes crapping all over the backseat of the Convertible. Some were even giving birth to baby coyotes back there, but that didn’t matter – love was in the air. But with love comes honesty, so I had to tell her the truth…
“I’m not like other guys.”
“Of course not! That’s why I love you!”
Dammit! I knew she was gonna make this difficult.
“No, I mean I’m different.”
“What are you talking about?”
“GO AWAY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!”
It took forever to morph into the damn werewolf-monster. And I nearly crapped myself growing those whiskers, which looked incredibly fake anyway. Things weren’t going right. All along, I simply wanted to confess the truth – but instead I mauled her to pieces and drank her blood. And I was still hungry for some baby coyotes…with a side of rice pilaf.
Thank goodness the entire scene came from the horror movie that my girlfriend and I were watching at the theaters! I was having a blast, thinking to myself, “It’s fine to associate my career with this horrifying genre as long as I don’t personally believe in it,” but Ola looked petrified.
“Matthew, let’s go.” She suddenly said.
My pearly white teeth gleamed as I replied, “What?? I’m enjoying this!”
Then Ola left the theater, and a funky pop beat cued up as I approached her outside. My teeth were still gleaming.
“It’s only a movie!” I said gleamingly.
“It’s not funny.” Ola said with disapproval.
OH YES IT WAS!! What was she thinking? Storming out of a movie all offended – that’s great! And I’m always right, so something else was up.
“You were scared, weren’t you?” I jovially inquired.
“I wasn’t that scared.”
Ah-HA! I knew it! A gutless coward. That’s the last minor I sneak into an R flick.
Ola walked away, enticing me to follow her with song. I couldn’t resist her walk…it made me want to spin around in circles and grab my crotch multiple times. We ended up skipping happily together past the ominously terrifying graveyard. Yep, nothing could go wrong…except for the zombies that hungered for our flesh. Thanks a lot, Vincent Price! We had to stop skipping because of your goddamn poem! It wasn’t cool.
It also wasn’t cool that Ola made us miss the rest of the movie. In a fit of rage I turned into one of the zombies, and we portended her doom with the best damn choreographed dance ensemble sequence ever!
Instead of taking a shotgun to our brains, Ola ran to an abandoned shack and bolted the doors. She was playing hardball. She screamed for help, but I know Ola was really saying, “come get me, assholes!” So at a frightening snail’s pace, we chased her into the shack. It was one of those Jimmy Carter homes, so it was easy to smash up. I broke into the room and Ola’s eyes bulged. We cornered her against the couch. I grabbed her shoulder…
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!”
“What’s the problem?” I said happily, looking harmless as usual. “C’mon, I’ll take you home.”
Poor thing, it was all a nightmare. Personally, I think it serves Ola right for sleeping throughout the entire date. Yeah, she was severely narcoleptic, but I was pretty insulted. I still gave her a ride home, but I didn’t tell her she was sitting in fresh coyote dung. When she asked about the horrible stench, I just looked at her with my cat-like green eyes and said, “Muwhahahahahahah!!!”
