It’s Friday night, and you’ve been stood up by the Usual Penis so he can go to a strip club. Your options are limited: watch the Oxygen Network with your roommate, try and find a frat party not full of drunks and glowstick-wielding freshmen, or try something a little adventurous: go to Soda Hall. That’s right, you’re going cruising for engineers, and you’ll find the most potent batch of masculinity ever known. EECS majors have a terrible reputation, and that’s okay. They have more than their fair share of men who see women as second best to their favorite anime girls, and, in extreme cases, as second best to Mommy. These are what you’d call “personality quirks.”
But the reputation they receive as unwashed, skinny nerds is entirely unwarranted. What is overlooked is the number one fact of EECS men: they are volcanoes of untrammeled testosterone with enough willpower and intelligence to learn whatever you wish to teach. These are people capable of spending five hours at a time looking for a single bug in 10,000 lines of computer code. While your typical absentminded History major is perhaps capable of spending 30 seconds looking for the G-Spot before wandering off to other duties, engineers will find the G-Spot. They will even bring in T-squares and calculators if it’s required. And there’s a lot you can do with a T-square besides straight lines.
Go ahead and wander into any computer lab. Now take your pick: there will be at least 10 guys waiting there. How often can you choose a guy with such precision? Don’t be afraid to be picky: you have every chance of finding a gem somewhere in the hall, finishing up his project before heading off to the RSF to lift weights. Unfortunately, most will be in a sitting position, which is a bad way to check out the ass. Just presume that it’s well toned.
In confronting an engineer, being direct is the key. Be firm, upfront, and don’t play games, unless you’ve made clear you want to play games. Take advantage of your environment, too. This is a building chock full of electricity, machines, and people who know how to make anything out of both. Start on top of a copying machine, just to keep it simple, and then get crazier. Let’s face it, you haven’t lived until you’ve gotten spanked by a Spanking Robot. On a more serious note, don’t operate heavy machinery under the influence of engineer loving, as things could get messy; and not in that good way.
Engineers don’t take Fluid Mechanics for the credits. (Well, yes they do, but it still applies). These are men with a greater understanding of forces and weights than anyone else at Berkeley. Tired of being crushed by a too-heavy lover? Just murmur, “mass times velocity” to an engineer and he’ll understand instantly. Let him experiment: it’s what he does best. After he gets over his shyness and is given freedom to roam, you’ll be surprised by his imagination. But do make very clear the parameters and expectations; EECS majors don’t expect projects to work correctly the first time, but they’ll try over and over if necessary.
Want a quickie? That’s fine; he’ll return to Counterstrike with a dazed expression and you’ll walk out a sated woman. Do take my advice: this is an opportunity not to be missed. Do it like the engineers do: on and on until the break of dawn. And then drink a Red Bull and start all over again.
