Many women have the problem of not feeling comfortable demanding the things they want. And while subtly hinting at things in a roundabout fashion can offer numerous opportunities to plunge into inexplicable fits of rage or depression when unstated demands go unfulfilled, this method can often cause problems with a dating relationship in the long run. For instance, suppose you want to actually sleep over at the home of the guy with whom you’re currently having sex, but he hasn’t invited you over yet. What to do? Look no further than the Squelch to find the explanations and advice every modern woman needs.
1. Have you never been to his place at all? Maybe he’s trying not to embarrass himself and you by putting you in an uncomfortable position. Maybe he lives in a dilapidated one-room shack next to a toxic landfill, a poorly ventilated stock room above a fish market, or an apartment in Berkeley. Maybe he hasn’t gotten around to disposing of the body of his previous girlfriend. This is easy to solve. Make it clear to him that you don’t care what his place is like, and that you really just want to come over. However, if you secretly really do care what his place is like, perhaps you’d be better off getting some new sheets, lighting some candles, and letting him stay over with you, honey. Making a place look nice is really woman’s work anyway.
2. Perhaps he’s embarrassed about his sleeping habits. Assure him that you’re willing to wear earplugs to bed to counter any snoring, sobbing, or guilty screaming of dead ex-girlfriends’ names in his sleep. If he’s worried he might kick you in his sleep, promise you’ll kick back. If he smiles flirtatiously and jokes that he might like that, promise you’ll kick him in the spine.
3. Is he foreign in any way? Maybe in his wacky native country spending the night is akin to marriage. It will just take a little time and understanding for him to learn that for easy American women like you, sleepovers can be as casual as choosing a nail color. Since you want to avoid ethnocentrism and respect the views of those different than yourself, you’ll have to treat this delicately. Yes, it’s a hassle, but it serves you right for dating some weird foreigner.
4. Maybe he’s actually being a sweetheart and planning something special. This excuse only works for about two weeks after you’ve suggested the sleepover, which allows more than enough time for preparation, and is far longer than any guy’s attention span anyway. In two weeks he should be able to get the place repainted and landscaped, and have girl-proofed his “secret” collection of porn, pictures of ex-girlfriends (dead) and comic books he still refuses to allow near females for fear of mishandling, because let’s face it, you can’t trust a girl around a valuable piece of comic art. Any time period longer than two weeks is only acceptable if he’s doing extensive remodeling and/or there is no roof on his house, but can most likely be explained by the fact that he has something to hide, like dead ex-girlfriends.
5. Are you Bowling Barbie? Nobody likes Bowling Barbie.
One point I feel compelled to make, for everyone’s sake, is not to cut him off from sex to punish him! Especially if he’s good in this elusive bed that you’ve done pretty much everything in but sleep. The lack of sex is cruel punishment for both of you, not just his mind-bogglingly clueless, hint-missing self. Contrary to popular belief, sex does not weaken a man or cloud his focus. It increases his confidence, allowing him to get his lazy ass off the couch and make positive changes, like dumping no-self-esteem losers like you and finding someone he won’t be ashamed to wake up next to, for cripes sake.
