Last Saturday, James Starchman, 21, a member of a local fraternity, became the first man in recorded history to hire an independent contractor to perform cunnilingus. When his girlfriend demanded it of him, he contacted several local subcontractors and hired the lowest bidder.
“At first I thought I would use an electrical contractor, but then I decided it would be wiser to go with a plumber,” said Starchman. When asked why he couldn’t have done the job himself, he contended that he had a genetic disorder, involving having one Y chromosome and one X chromosome instead of the usual two X chromosomes, which keeps him from performing such acts properly.
The lowest bidder, and winner of the contract, was Armageddon Plumbing of Oakland, the same company that installs plumbing on NASA space shuttles. The contractor, one Bruce Willis, performed his duties “like a real trooper. A cunnilingus trooper,” according to Starchman. The tools Willis used, most of them recommended by the House Ways and Means Committee, included several hydraulic drills, various clamps, levers, pulleys, circular saws, sandblasters, a divining rod, a riding mower, a 1977 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme, two unidentified members of Crosby, Stills, and Nash, and the Jaws of Life. Willis declined to comment about rumors linking evil Yugoslavian President Slobodan Milosevic to the project.
The girl was “pleased” with the cunnilingus, but also noted that she no longer possesses genitalia. She is collecting disability insurance, claiming that she can’t get a decent job without them.
Starchman, an economics major, cited the law of marginal utility as his reason. “I could probably eat her out better than the subcontractor, but why do it when I can be making $10 an hour working at the library? I can’t afford to go down on her!” When his logic was questioned, Starchman shouted “Scooby Dooooby Dooooo!” and ran far away.
