A United Nations humanitarian mission has been deployed to rescue the psyche of Berkeley resident Jim Larsen, after a Saturday midlife crisis devastated his sense of self-worth. The disaster, triggered by a long, hard look in the mirror, has caused an estimated $50 million in emotional damage.
“We don’t know how this could have happened,” said Charles Balewa of the United Nation’s Center for Disaster Reduction. “Our most brilliant minds have spent almost a decade working day and night to keep Larsen from turning 40.”
The UN responded swiftly to the tragedy, deploying a multilateral coalition of troops to battle the free-radical insurgency. Emergency hair plugs have been rushed in to mitigate the fallout. Pfizer Corp. has also pledged to help, providing affordably-priced Viagra in order to re-erect the tragically collapsed monument of Larsen’s manhood.
“Lyndon Johnson was more than a penis, it was a symbol,” said Larsen, mortgage broker and aging victim. “Its reconstruction is vital to my freedom.”
In addition to reviving infrastructure, Commisioner Balewa has replaced Elaine Larsen, Wife, with Colleen Winters, Chief of Extramarital Affairs.
“Elaine abused her tenure as Wife, letting herself go both financially and physically,” Balewa explained of his Youngergirl Adjustment Policy. “Winters will eliminate such inefficiencies by shaving her grassroots, releasing her sweater-prisoners, and creating 10,000 blowjobs in the private sector.”
Thankfully, the UN will not have to shoulder this tragedy alone. U2 frontman and humanitarian Bono has organized a benefit concert and recorded a star-studded tribute song for the victim of the aging tragedy.
“We are all Jim Larsen,” said Bono, looking wistfully at his Grammy from 1992.
