Present: Alexander the Great, Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, Ulysses S. Grant, John Wayne, Dean Martin, Senator Joseph McCarthy, Jackson Pollock, Jimi Hendrix, Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill, Jim Morrison, Jack Kerouac, Elvis Presley.
8:02 Opening beers distributed. Alexander the Great calls the meeting to order and reads the Association Overview: “Millennia ago, I became history’s first real and true alcoholic. Unbeknownst to me at the time I had stumbled onto nature’s great secret: that through heavy drinking one can cheat death and live a life of eternal Bacchanalianism. As the greatest lushes and drunkards of history we have taken, with the gift of eternal life, the responsibility of ruling the world from the shadows. We have all faked our own deaths and subtly poisoned the less worthy drunks of the world in order to keep our secret, so that we, the great minds of history, can keep the Drunk Illuminati in its rightful position of power and the world in perfect order.”
After-opening beers distributed. Floor opened to motions.
Topic opened by Churchill: “How much longer should we allow this current economic turmoil to continue before allowing the resurgence of the world economy?”
After discussion it is decided unanimously to keep the economy faltering until the common man has sufficiently grasped the error of the current, destructive capitalist system. Celebratory beers distributed.
Topic opened by Grant: “When shall we begin the third World War?”
After open discussion it’s decided 8 to 6 to delay the next world war until 2150 when Bulgaria has amassed enough power to fill the vacuum left by the imminent destruction of the current superpowers. Celebratory beers distributed.
Motioned by Kerouac: “I think it’s time that we lowered the American drinking age, man. It’s unfair that they can get sent to war but they can’t, like, have a drink.”
Objection by Poe: “Who cares? Most of us are hundreds of years old!”
Motion fails 13 to 1. Celebratory beers distributed. Round of shots distributed to celebrate successful round of beers.
Motioned by Hendrix: “We should have another round right now!”
Motion passes unanimously. Celebratory shots distributed.
Motioned by Senator McCarthy: “We need to do something about these Goddamn Communists!”
Objection by Stalin: “Dude, just shut the fuck up.”
Motion retracted. Celebratory beer bong busted out.
Motioned by Hemingway: “I bet you guys I could jump like fucking ten of these chairs.”
Objection by Wayne: “Fuck you, no way.”
Further testing decided on. Results: He couldn’t, possible fracture. Vote of 13 with 1 abstention decided to deal with that later. Empathy beer bong passed.
Motioned by Morrison: “DUDE, did you guys know that the Double Stuf Oreos have the same amount of cream as regular ones?”
Objection by Presley: “NOOOOOO FUCK YOU”
Blows exchanged. Fight broken up by Wayne. Bro-hugs and “I’m sorry bro, I fucking love you”s exchanged. Conflict resolution Jager Bombs distributed.
8:35 Meeting brought to a close. Martin, Hendrix, Morrison, and Presley share an off-key harmony of “We Are the Champions.” Churchill holds back Stalin’s hair as he vomits. Writers compare dick sizes to determine literary merit. Remaining members have found their place to crash.
