Millions of relationships ended abruptly yesterday as masturbation trumped intercourse as the preferred sexual activity. The development of a slightly warmer lubricant, along with the long-awaited release of the Lindsay Lohan DVDA tape, are believed to have finally shot masturbation over the top.
“We’ve seen this coming — heh — since the early 1990s,” Sexologist Raymond Weis said. “There’s ever-more sophisticated internet porn and fetish-diversification along with revolutionary new solo techniques like The Overhead Grunter and The Silent Donkey. Meanwhile, intercourse stayed pretty much the same.”
Weis also pointed to long-standing advantages to masturbation, such as availability, cost, timing, and the rise of competitive ‘shotput’ leagues.
The changeover occurred at 11pm last Tuesday, when men across the country walked out of committed relationships and bars to take their new place in front of computers, inside bathrooms, and in the back row of classrooms.
“I was at Kips,” a random guy said, “And I suddenly realized I could just go home and masturbate. I’ve got a subscription to HornyGrandma.com and a Fleshlight. Why should I sit around buying girls drinks?”
Weis noted that the situation could be temporary. “We’ve seen some encouraging signs among women. Slutty Halloween costumes, generally low self-esteem, and believing that talking about sex makes them cool; all these things should help. But when you see that the latest women’s fashion is an 80s legging revival and sheep rancher boots, you have to wonder about their will to win.”
