Last Tuesday, freshman Corey S. O’Malley successfully replaced the last vestiges of his personal identity with school spirit.
O’Malley had spent months transforming himself into a cold husk of a man fed only by the success of the various sports teams that represent his school. He completed the process by getting a transfusion of blue and gold blood that enabled him to literally bleed his school colors should the occasion arise.
Doctors agreed with O’Malley that he does indeed “live for game day” after his heart stopped when the most recent casual exhibition baseball game got rained out. However, some medical professionals disagree, saying that the cardiac arrest was actually a side effect of O’Malley’s decision to get the traditional Berkeley drinking song tattooed on his organs.
O’Malley, a self-described “Acolyte of the Great Golden Bear,” confirmed his extravagant level of school spirit by managing to turn a friendly game of Ultimate Frisbee into a drunken riot.
Sources say that O’Malley’s obsession has progressed to the point that he goes to a local Trader Joe’s so he can cheer the Berkeley alum bag boy for his superior packing technique.
