The Squelch has long been in a need of an official mascot. Like most student organizations, we need a logo to put on all the obnoxious shirts we make everyone wear. Plus, distribution is a lot easier when people see a mascot they know means “Squelch.” We hand out a shit ton of these things. By hand.
For years we had a great guy who dressed up in a big tiger suit, but he eventually left us to explore his furry identity in a more personal manner. So we had to start looking around for someone new. First we had a freshman dress up as a giant copy of the magazine, but he filed a claim against us with the ASUC when we kept locking him up in the office with the other props. To be fair, it’s pretty dark and a little damp in there. Next we tried hiring a homeless person, but his rates got a little high when he started demanding “money.”
Then we thought, maybe a human isn’t the way to go. Someone brought a beta fish into the office, and we started calling him “Squelchy.” Things were looking really good until we forgot to feed him for a year. I guess we should’ve known we were too irresponsible for a pet. You don’t even wanna know what happened to the Squelch baby.
Finally, we decided on a mascot that really symbolized us. One that everyone could agree on: a nest of birds, but the birds are dicks and there is a mama bird, and she is also a dick. But as it turns out, people didn’t find that very catchy. We were back at square one.
So for now, our mascot will temporarily continue to be those kids who yell at you on Sproul. Be kind to them. They don’t know any better.
Squelchily yours,
Lena Brooks
Max Ebert
Editors-in-Chief
