We’re not about exclusion here at the Adult Explorations club. We try to foster a diverse environment in which Bears of all stripes can act on their desires in a safe, controlled way. And of course, we appreciate the spirit you bring to our gatherings. Four out of five of our female members have called you “smoking”. But, frankly, your recent attitude has been abysmal. It’s like you think there’s something silly about an ASUC-sponsored sex club.
For example, you seem frustrated with our pre-meeting socials. Believe me, we’ve heard your chants of “let’s just have an orgy already!” We understand your eagerness, but we need those get-togethers to provide new members with some orientation and help everyone else loosen up. Turning on all the vibrators during our president’s weekly speech was cute – once – but giving impromptu lap dances in the middle of icebreaker games is just rude. And last Wednesday, you had your fly unzipped before it was even 7:10 yet. People were still walking in! Haven’t you ever heard of Berkeley time?
Now, for a more serious matter: you haven’t attended a single strategy session, diversity seminar, or hot-wax orientation. Stop pretending you’re “having problems” with our listserv. It seems to work just fine when the email’s about a new glory hole in Barrows. You’ve never tabled on Sproul, you’ve never wiped down the rubber phalluses, you’ve never even done one shift of unlocking handcuffs. We understand that many of our members have active academic and personal lives, but as an all-volunteer organization, we all have to make a few adjustments to keep this ship afloat. Many of our other members would show a little more gratitude to have been appointed, as early as you were, to an observer position on the Spirit Committee. If you’d just shown a little can-do-it-iveness you’d be on the Social Subcommittee for Foam-Based Spermicides by now. Consider giving some thought to your future in this organization.
We are also disappointed that you continually check “Maybe Attending” on our Facebook events. We understand that “maybe attending” can be a suitable response to beer with your buddies. But do you want us to “maybe” roll out enough tarpaulin to give you a full range of motion? Do you want us to “maybe” rent enough butterfly swings to allot every member at least half an hour of vigorous play? Do you want us to “maybe” print you a copy of our newsletter, so you can “maybe” hear the results of our latest fundraising workshop? Maybe in your own life it is acceptable to “maybe” honor your commitments, but for your friends at Adult Explorations it is a requirement.
And now we come to the biggest problem: your inability to take direction. When I tell you your time is up with Clara, your time is up with Clara. When I tell you to stop eating the chocolate fondue, you stop eating the chocolate fondue. And for God’s sake, when I tell you to stop talking, you stop talking. Nobody wants to hear about how “everything’s sweaty in here.” We’re trying to build a mood, a mood the Lighting Committee spent three weekends at Crate and Barrel perfecting. We’re trying to have a relaxed fucking time between some consenting fucking adults! So fucking control yourself.
Kathy Adams, Legal Studies ‘12