Aries (3/21-4/20)
Single? Cautious Saturn says that your landlord is likely to finally call the police on you, so now might be a good time to steal all the copper wire and flee the county.
Hooking? _ _Remember to keep your composure when a phone call from your biological father reminds you of the time he made you have sex with his boss.
Taurus (4/21-5/21)
Single? The stars remind you to keep on your toes this month. When your friends and family track you down to stage an intervention, make sure you’re in an uninterruptible heroin coma.
Hooking? Venus in your house all week means that Big Jimmy must have kicked her out again.
Gemini (5/22-6/23)
Single? This is a good month to turn over a new leaf. Throw away that old pipe and fashion yourself a new one out of an old light bulb.
Hooking? A series of police sting operations will provide you with an excellent opportunity to ask for a promotion.
**C**** ancer (6/24-7/22) **
Single? You’ve been working too hard lately. The free clinic can you help you unwind after a week of stressful needle drugs.
Hooking? Rowdy Jupiter in the third house suggests you might want to watch out for eye infections this month.
Leo (7/23-8/22)
Single? Don’t rush things with that boy you’ve had your eye on. Wait a couple weeks before introducing him to your child with fetal alcohol syndrome.
Hooking**** ? This week will test your courage when a john wants to shit in your mouth. Trust your instincts.
Virgo (8/23-9/22)
Single? You will be conflicted as to the level of relief you will feel when you learn that the burning sensation you thought was gonorrhea is actually an old cigarette burn.
Hooking? Chaos in your astral alignment would normally suggest that you should consider a career change, but it should be clear by now that you can’t and that you’re trapped in this life forever, ha ha ha.
Libra (9/23-10/23)
Single**** ? Tread lightly with your relationships this week. Tensions will flare when you realize that a friend has been stealing your penicillin.
Hooking? Take a break from all the hustle and bustle! Organize a girl’s night in watching Pretty Woman and sobbing.
Scorpio (10/24-11/21)
Single? This week, remember: emotional scars don’t heal, but neither do burns you get from nodding off while freebasing.
Hooking? _ _The stars offer this hot tip: occasionally look him in the eye while going down on him; he’ll be guilted into tipping you more.
**Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)
**
Single? Be prepared for a surprise this week when a lover from the past comes back to haunt you in the form of hepatitis.
Hooking? Mars colliding with Saturn this month will be a lot less painful than the butt of Devón’s pistol after he catches you stealing his blow.
Capricorn (12/22-1/19)
Single? Be sure to tell your family about your imminent TV stardom, but make sure to warn them that the first half hour of _Maury _can be pretty slow.
Hooking? The stars say this month might be a good time to induce a miscarriage. On a budget? Falling down a flight of stairs offers a cheap alternative to conventional Western medicine, such as running your car into a tree or being punched in a bar fight.
Aquarius (1/20-2/18)
Single? The perfect man is just around the corner. Specifically, he’s in the alleyway behind the methadone clinic vomiting black.
Hooking? You’ll soon reconsider your friend’s kind gesture when you realize the blind date she’s set you up with is her virgin brother with autism.
Pisces (2/19-3/20)
Single? This is a week for serendipity. Ask one of your friends that has a GED what serendipity is.
Hooking? Treat yourself this weekend by stocking up on makeup for the spring season bruises.
