Jerry Seinfeld
I don’t know about you guys, but I like to stay clean. But it’s so much trouble these days. Every time you get clean you’re just gonna rub vomit in your hair all over again.
[laughter]
Am I right? [applause] And then you have to ask for change, but you always have these people telling you that change comes from within. Well if that were true I’d be rubbing nickels in my hair instead of vomit. [funky homeless bass lick]
Dane Cook
Oh man, you know what I love? When you’re pissing in a TRASH CAN in broad daylight and a HOT CHICK comes up, you know, and it’s all like WHAPACHOW! You get crazy wood, and suddenly you’re like spraying piss EVERYWHERE, and it’s like fucking SLOOOW MOTIOOON and all your piss hits her in the face all like [makes funny face]. Good times, good times… God I miss my house.
[ten minutes of random microphone noises]
Jon Stewart
…prompting a scathing review of current economic policy. [holds up poorly photoshopped image of Stewart urinating on self with the caption “Piss Poor.” Audience laughs] Oh, you guys like that one? The…uh…the pee? [does George W Bush laugh]
Carrot Top
This here’s for when y’all wanna sleep on the subway and you don’t want nobody botherin’ you! [holds up newspaper with headline “Local Homeless Man Kills People Who Don’t Let Him Sleep Good on the Subway”] Ah-heh heh! It also helps you not freeze! I get…I get so cold, sometimes. Ah-heh heh!
Mitch Hedberg
I asked this dude, “Could you spare some change?” He told me, “Nah man, prosecute it to the full extent of the law.”
[silence from the audience]
Man, you guys all must be tired from cleaning your houses or something.
Chris Tucker
Givememoneyneedsomedollarsmaaaan!
Chris Rock
GIVE! ME! MONEY!
Gallagher
In retrospect, I could have eaten that rather than smashing it.
