Reeling from record-low World Series ratings, baseball commissioner Bud Selig yesterday unveiled a new marketing strategy to revitalize interest in the sport. Baseball will be disbanded.
Speaking at a news conference, Selig explained, “In lieu of playing a full season, no games will be played.” The plan was formulated after baseball executives noticed during the World Series that ratings significantly improved both before and after the games were aired. “We really think this will increase viewership,” Selig remarked, before suddenly fading from relevance.
Effective immediately, all players have been released from their contracts. It is assumed that they will wander aimlessly around suburban neighborhoods clutching baseball bats and asking passers-by if they need anything hit, caught, or injected with steroids.
Recent television ratings have proved the program an immediate success, as millions of viewers have tuned in to watch the empty eight-hour slots in which baseball used to air. Remarked former fan, Ben Salmour, “Wow, this is way better.”
Yet not everyone approved of the initiative. When asked for comment, the Phillie Phanatic looked down at the ground mournfullyand cried big fluffy green tears.
