Doing Yoga
You: Finally, I’ve been looking forward to this all day. Are you ready for some yoga?
Yoga Instructor: You know, it’s been a long day, and I’m really tired…I’m just not in the mood right now. Is that okay?
You: Umm…yeah, yeah, yeah….totally. I mean I can always just do it by myself…I guess. So…how about tomorrow?
Yoga instructor: Yeah…I’m getting my period tomorrow.
You: Oh.
Attending A Housewarming Party
You: Hey Seth, nice place. I brought over a handle of vodka as a housewarming gift. Let’s get this party started!
Seth: Uhh…thanks.
You: What’s the matter?
Seth: Oh, oh…it’s nothing…it’s just that we’ve known each other for six months now, and…you know for your housewarming party I made you that card with a poem I wrote…and it was a lot more effort than just getting me a bottle of vodka.
You: Ohh, I didn’t know it would make you mad, I’m sorry.
Seth: I’m not mad…I’m just, you know, disappointed.
Receiving a Phone Call From Your Mother
[phone ringing]
You: What is that? What time is it? [picks up phone] Hello?
Mom: I hic luuuuuuvvvvvvv youuuuuuuuu! Hic!
You: Mom is that you? Do you know what time it is?
Mom: I miiisss youuuuuu hic soooooo much!
You: Mom, you’re drunk, and it’s two in the morning…I’m going back to sleep.
Mom: [in a sobbing tone] You nevah hic call me anymore. [drops phone, sound of puking in background]
Ordering Chinese Food by Phone
You: …and one order of Mu Shu Pork.
Delivery Guy: Okay, that’ll be $13.20.
You: Okay, thanks.
Delivery Guy: So, goodbye I guess.
You: Goodbye. [awkward pause]
Delivery Guy: No, you hang up first!
You: What?
Delivery Guy: [giggling] Haha, okay, let’s both hang up at the same time. We’ll count to three.
You: I’ll just-
Delivery Guy: One, two thr-
You: [hangs up]
Ordering Food
Waiter: …and so our specials are pecan-crusted catfish, coq au vin, and sauteed scallops in a white wine sauce.
You: Wait, what was that last one?
Watier: You…you never listen to me anymore! I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall!
You: No…I’m sorry, it’s just that-
Waiter: [shouting] I bet you can’t even tell me what the soup of the day is! What’s the soup of the day? [breaks down weeping]
At a Job Interview
You: …that’s pretty much it. So did I get the job?
Interviewer: …actually, we found someone else.
You: [shocked] What do you mean? How could you do that?
Interviewer: [on the verge of tears] I mean…well, neither of us meant for it to happen. It was just this one interview, you know? [staring wistfully into the distance] This one beautiful, magical, perfect interview…
You: [crying] I can’t believe you’d be such a whore!
Interviewer: Hey, hey. I know you’re upset. You’ll always have a place in my company…you know, just in the apst.
