Boss: I understand you’re applying for…chimney sweep, Mr. Thorped?
Jimmer: Jimmer Thorped, best sweep in Merry England, sir! Sharp as Big Ben’s toll, I am.
Boss: Tortured analogies…good, good. And you’re an orphan by…?
Jimmer: Right sorry, governor?
Boss: Orphaned by war? Orphaned by crime? Abandoned by Royal Family? It’s for the form.
Jimmer: Oh, middle-class mother thrown out of home. I have a reference for it, if you like.
Boss: That will be fine, Jimmer. I like everything I see here…except we’re really only looking for Cockney accents right now.
Jimmer: Er… ‘Ello ‘overnor! I’s sharp as an ‘ol nail, I’s!
Boss: Nice…but that’s really more of an Orkney. I’m sorry, Jimmer.
Jimmer: Oh ‘ell.
Boss: Yes, Mr. Bellows, we’re looking for someone who looks quite similar to our prince, but is, in fact, a pauper.
Bellows: My father is a blacksmith…
Boss: Mmm…that’s really more middle-class, lower-middle-class, isn’t it? Thank you.
Boss: What would you say is your biggest weakness, Mr. Hornel?
Hornel: Right good question. Well, I’m told I work too hard. I’m rarely willing to push back at my boss’s decisions. I’m loyal to a fault. Oh, and I have bloody flux.
Boss: Bloody flux?
Hornel: And consumption…and probably the black lung. What’s your medical policy, again?
Boss: A sound slap on the back for coughing, and we’ll fish your body out of the vats if you fall in.
Boss: I see you know Excel and Word…how about sticking your tiny hands into little gears to retrieve stamped plates?
Pip: Oh, right good at that, sir. See? Tiny, tiny hands, and very supple wrists. Very nearly double-jointed.
Boss: Oh, you’ll be double-jointed soon enough, never worry. (Laughs)
Pip: Yeah…heh heh.
Boss: Well, everything looks good here, mister…ooooh…says here you’re seven years old?
Pip: Seven and a month, sir.
Boss: We’re only hiring six-year-olds. Very, very sorry. We’ll keep your application on file, so let us know if you turn six again.
Boss: Where do you see yourself going with this company, Howard?
Howard: I’ve always been excited about pig skinning. Majored in it. It’s where I see myself for the next three to five years.
Boss: This is something you want to grow with?
Howard: Yeah, I’m looking for something that challenges me. So yeah, of course I expect to start out with hooves, I’m young, but I intend to end up with snouts or even management.
Boss: This is a snouts-track position, keep in mind. Snouts is the highest level.
Howard: Oh…that’s fine. Perfectly fine. Snouts is great.
