Big Bum
The poorest man in Berkeley versus the poorest man at Stanford. This year Cal’s very own Steven and a small bag of his own excrement go up against Chad Wilson and his ’98 Toyota Camry. This highly anticipated match follows last year’s upset in which Timothy’s feces bag failed to stop Jared Smith and his Honda Acura.
Big Dream
Two of the country’s most accomplished dreamers metaphorically butt heads in this year’s most intense dream-off.
Past scores: 42-cloud. Imaginary number-the philosophy of being. 5-7.
Big Surprise
In one of the year’s most anticipated events, a small collection of Berkeley’s misfits and outcasts match up against Stanford’s Team Imperium. Lead by upset veteran and heretofore failure Coach Jimmy Joe Johnson, this year’s misfits aren’t expected to topple the well-funded Palo Alto kids.
This year’s Cal squad
- The cool kid whose parents are breaking up and who doesn’t know as much as he thinks he does, but who the coach helps get through it and play team first.
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The fat kid.
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The shy kid who comes through in the end.
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The skinny tall kid whose father is pressuring him to fulfill his own failed dreams.
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And the coach who taught them to work as a team while also conquering his own alcoholism.
1983: The Play
The team was counted out after all but one of its members died in a plane crash, but luckily the plane crashed into the Stanford team, killing all of them. And a piece of flaming wreckage killed the trombone player.
Big Cock
Stanford is looking to come back from last year’s heartbreaking 1-0 loss in which their rooster, Mr. Entitlement, had his heart literally broken by Cal’s Commander McClucks. But the odds are in favor of Cal, who has reigned in the o-ring since the 0-1 nailbiter of 1970.
Past scores: 1-0. 1-0. 0-1. 0-1-1.
Big Trick
The first annual competition to see who can hold more poisonous snakes in their mouth while pinching a bear’s nipples. Stanford goes first.
