Last year, I went to Cal. This year, I am going to Vista. You can guess why. These are some of the differences I have noticed. Most of the following accounts are based on true stories.
Questions in Class
Cal
Student: If I may pose a hypothesis on the transcendent unilateralization of Nietzsche’s archipelographic dissidence… [Thirty minutes of student verbally blowing himself]
Vista
Student: What’s that thing on the board?
Professor: Which thing?
Student: You know, that thing with all the colors and numbers and stuff.
Professor: You mean the pie graph?
Student: [Writing furiously in notebook] Pie…graph. Right. But what does it mean, though?
Student Body
Cal
Average Student: Hi. I’m Asian.
Vista
Average Student: Hi. I’m a recovering crack addict with no feeling in my left leg because of the seizure I had when I was eleven after overdosing on the crystal meth that my mom packed in my lunch this one time when we were out of Gushers.
Campus Police
Cal
UCPD Officer: I’m drivin’ a Segway! Woo hoo!
Vista
VPD Officer: To my knowledge, I don’t exist. But I’ll still fuck you up if you’re black.
Drug Dealers
Cal
Shady Dude: Hey man, wanna buy some weed?
Vista
Shady Dude: Hey man, wanna go to Cal and sell some weed?
Clubs and Activities
Cal
Student: Join the Campus Christian Organization!
Student: Pledge CALPIRG!
Student: End Asian Apathy!
Vista
Shady Dude: Hey man, wanna go to Cal and sell some weed?
Campus Fashion
Cal
Student: Hey buddy, that Cal sweatshirt looks great on you!
Other Student: Right back at ya, buddy!
Vista
Student: Once I get the cash together, I’m totally gonna get some Rogaine and grow out my unibrow.
Extra Credit
Cal
English Professor: The exam will have one extra credit question, worth two points, about an obscure branch of medieval literature that you could not possibly have heard of.
Vista
English Professor: You! Can you tie your shoes?
Student: Uh, yeah.
English Professor: One hundred and fifty percent! Great job!
Student: [Whispers to friend] Dude, I was so bullshitting.
