DANFORTH: Welcome to the 1944 Olympics! We’re coming to you live from the Olympics that no one thought would ever happen. While most of the World’s more impressive atheletes are currently vaulting over landmines, kayaking past enemy positions, and Greco-Roman wrestling Fascism, we’ve managed to bring together the best of the rest.
CLARK: That’s right, Danforth. We’ll never know where the idea of a worldwide battle for the glory of country got started, but it hasn’t stopped the Olympics.
DANFORTH: Well-said, Clark. And now the atheletes are marching into the arena under their flags. The Americans, British, and Canadians are storming the field.
CLARK: Interesting fact, Danforth: in fifty years no one in America will remember that the Canadians were involved, despite the vital role they played in defending the left flank.
DANFORTH: Of the atheletes.
CLARK: Of the atheletes, right.
DANFORTH: Now the Germans are entering the field. Oh, and the first bit of drama has erupted as the Polish team members have slipped away from the Germans and united under their own flag! They’re cheering and… oh… looks like the Russian team has just absorbed them.
CLARK: Definitely a moment to remember. Bringing up the rear is the Israeli team, marching proudly into the stands where they’ll be for the next four years until they get their own country.
DANFORTH: Coming up is our first event, the 400 meter relay. They’re lining up… and they’re off. It’s the German team with an early lead, followed by the Italians on a leash, and the British team badly trailing despite the Americans giving PowerBars to them. The Americans are trying to stick to the outside but OHHHHHH… the Japanese have come out from nowhere and clotheslined them!
CLARK: The Japanese were pretty clearly on the move. You have to wonder if the American coach saw that one coming, Danforth.
DANFORTH: Well, it’s really motivated the Americans, as they’re moving up to first.. neck and neck with the Germans… and the Russian team is a steady third despite having only one leg between them and wearing turnips for shoes… we’re approaching the finish line… it’s going to be close.. and YES! THE COSTA RICAN TEAM HAS COME OUT OF NOWHERE TO WIN!
CLARK: That really reminds you that this is a contest of individual atheletes, and not an elaborate metaphor for world events.
DANFORTH: Next up is the 200 meter dash. It’s Jesse Owens versus yet another batch of big blonde Aryan guys…. and Owens has utterly left them in the dust.
CLARK: Having already made his point about racial stereotypes in the 1936 Olympics, it’s hard to deny that Owens is just rubbing it in at this point.
DANFORTH: That’s it for today. Come back tomorrow for men’s gymnastics, which will be performed by women for the duration of the war.
CLARK: I’m sure they’re looking forward to baking pot roasts again instead of baking powerful symbols for women’s empowerment, eh Danforth?
DANFORTH: You’ve got that right Clark. See you tomorrow, world!
