College is a time for experimentation. For some, this means actual experiments. On lab animals. For others, this means learning to laugh and love with a tight knit group of Southern women who will stay in each others’ hearts always. For the rest, college is for experimenting with the number of people you can get to sleep with you at any given time. To aid you in getting the best “experimental results” possible, the Squelch presents: A guide to menage a threesome.
General Rules
Wallflower plus beer equals sorority girl.
Sorority Girl plus beer equals bi-curious girl.
Corollary: Bi-curious girl minus sorority girl equals beer. (In case you run out of beer)
Two ladies, one gentleman:
You know all that stuff you always wanted the guy to do to you, but he never could because he wasn’t flexible enough? Invite him to subcontract his work: Much like a sweet government contract, the more fingers in the pot, the sweeter the, uh, subsidy.
Explain to your boyfriend that he already agreed to it a while ago, and he forgot. Then act all upset and cry until you get your way.
Get one of your friends and post tantalizing pictures of your exploits on a personals website, explaining that you are looking for a non-creepy, non-threatening, disease-free, submissive male to join in. There are just tons of them surfing the web, poor souls, and inexplicably they haven’t found an outlet for their sensitive longings.
If you’re looking for two willing ladies, consider taking a womens’ studies course. Remember, “Lads don’t make passes at lasses with glasses, unless they take classes ’bout grabbing of asses resembling those of young Jackie Onassis.”
If you’ve already gotten one girl to agree to sex, you can get a second one to go along by hiding the first one in an overly complicated wallpaper pattern.
Two gentlemen, one lady:
Whenever your roommate and his girlfriend come over, secretly obsess over watching them until you realize you have a huge crush–on them both! While nothing will come of this, after you come out of the closet years later you’ll have all the fodder you need to turn your fantasy ending into a bestselling novel-turned screenplay.
If she’s really bi, and not just saying that to look cool at the co-op makeout room, two guys at once could probably straighten her out. Of course, that ruins chances for future adventures in the previous category.
A way for a girl to get two guys at once is to star in a hilarious summer movie.
Remind guys: Even though there’s another guy involved, it doesn’t make you gay. Even pursuing and enjoying multiple male partners doesn’t make you gay. Only using moisturizer makes you gay, and as long as you use suitable protection, you probably won’t get any on you.
Rent Y Tu Mama Tambien and watch it until your boyfriend and his cousin finally get it.
Explain to the two fraternity roommates of your choice that if they go along, they will both be transported into realms of the most ecstatic bliss, in which their veins will crackle with lightning and they’ll sing like hummingbirds–or, wait, don’t say hummingbirds because that smacks of moisturizer– they’ll sing like the fierce, bloodthirsty eagle, if they will only just indulge you in this simple, gentle act of double cunnilingus.
