Everyone knows that Gluttons are torn apart by ‘Cerberus’s bloody
teeth,’ and the Violent boil in a River of Blood while being stabbed
by centaurs. But what is Hell for the Barely Evil? Like people who think
about putting in a new toilet roll and still don’t do it. Or Hitler’s
Grandchildren. Or someone walking towards you while you’re handing out
Squelch_es, and makes eye contact while walking right towards you,
but then blows by without taking his hand out of his pocket even though his
non-verbal communication was shouting ‘YES! I want a _Squelch!
Outstretch your white hand so that I may take one!’
These people go to Minor Hells, such as…
THE HELL WHERE HAIR WILL NOT DRY
MIKE: Darn, my hair is still wet! I can't put headphones on!
SARAH: What, did you just get out of the shower?
MIKE: I did -- THREE THOUSAND YEARS AGO. 
THE HELL WHERE YOU CAN'T REMEMBER ANYONE'S NAME
MIKE: (on phone) Hi, we met at..um-- this guy's
party-- and I got your phone number-- I'm not sure who you
are-- if you remember me, I'm the red-haired guy with glasses--
my name is-- uh--. crap.
THE HELL WHERE EVERYONE KNOWS YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND
MIKE: So then I say to myself, 'Mike'...
LARA: Wait, you're Mike? Stacy's Mike?
MIKE: --Yes.
LARA: Oh, then you're the guy with the-- (giggles)
Wow. It's so weird that I'm actually meeting 'The Mike.'
MIKE: We're in Hell! No it's not!
THE HELL WHERE JESUS IS ALWAYS SECOND-GUESSING YOU
JESUS: So you know you're going to the ATM, but still don't
bring those checks you have to get cashed. And then once you're at the
bank, you find a check for $45 in your wallet, and decide to cash it even
though it takes 20 minutes and you'll have to come back tomorrow with
another check to cash--.
MIKE: Jesus, stop it!
JESUS: Hey Mike, it's called 'Hell,' not 'Jesus
shuts up Land.'
THE HELL WHERE YOU'RE COVERED IN OILS
MIKE: (sobbing) I mean, I know she didn't mean it like
that, but still--
JESSICA: (tenderly) You poor guy, I think you need a hug--.
Oh, GOD! You're covered in OIL!
MIKE: Yeah, well, I--
JESSICA: Now my clothes are ruined! Thanks a lot!
MIKE: (sobs)
