- SLEEP WITH PROFESSOR. This may not help your grade. However, you will have a great story for Playboy.com’s On Campus section.
- BUY BOOKS. Actually owning class reading material may come in handy when trying to convince the GSI that you really were trying.
- SEE YOUR ADVISOR. Visit Campbell Hall, wait in line for an hour, fill out a form to see an advisor, make an appointment for next week, come back at appointed time, speak with advisor for 10 minutes, receive advice offered in steps 1 and 2.
- JOIN CAL FOOTBALL TEAM. Have grades changed retroactively. Touchdown!
Unable to Obtain Marijuana or Alcohol
- TURN AROUND. There will be weed and Coronas behind you.
- THANK THE BERKELEY WEED AND BEER FAIRY. She makes all this possible.
Reading the Daily Cal
- FLIP TO INSIDE BACK PAGE. Seek solace from journalistic travesty with the nationally syndicated mediocrity of “Dilbert.” Bemoan the fact that Scott Adams continues to coast on reader e-mails, bereft of any remaining original ideas.
- ATTEMPT CROSSWORD PUZZLE. Feel stupid.
- FLIP TO PAGE 3. If it is not Tuesday, skip to step 4.
- SELF-ADMINISTER EMERGENCY TRACHEOCTOMY. Plunge the shaft of a ballpoint pen into your windpipe. This will momentarily distract you from the newspaper.
You’ve Broken Your Back Diving (And Your Name is Katie)
- DO NOT TELL YOUR COACH YET. You wouldn’t want to lose your privileges as a freshman athlete right away.
- DO NOT TELL YOUR FRIENDS. They will only discuss it loudly at La Burrita in the vicinity of Squelch editors.
- LEARN TO WALK AGAIN. If you can dream it, you can do it.
Everyone Dead or Dying But You
- ESTABLISH WHY EVERYONE IS DEAD. Is the Berkeley hillside a glowing green crater? This would suggest someone sneezed during a particle accelerator experiment at the Lab. Are they suffering from claw wounds? This would indicate a pack of giant starving radioactive monkeys. Are your hands bloody? Maybe you killed them, you fucking murderous radioactive monkey.
- AVOID THE DEAD. They may turn into Resident Evil-style Zombie-monsters. God, that would be so cool. But only if you had a handgun or something.
- DO NOT DROP SPECTACLES OR EYEGLASSES! It would not be fair now that you have time enough to read. Time enough at last.